▶ Your Answer :
Different opinions exist on spending their<(who is their?) lives doing various things. This essay will discuss this issue in more detail. <(주제가 확실해 보이지 않습니다. 조금 더 질문과 더 관련있게 introduction을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. )
Some people prefer to experience whatever they want during their
lives. They urge that life is too short to get along with monotonous daily
routines. There are several reasons behind this opinion. Firstly, through challenges, people can get rid of their stress came from heavy workloads and
gain unforgettable memories through every moments. Another reason is that
changes can broaden people’s outlooks. In other words, people can gain wisdoms from
their experiences. Therefore, based on the aforesaid examples, the public
prefer to live actively. <(public이라는 표현은 indefinite해보입니다)
On the other hand, others hesitate to face new challenges so they prefer to
stick to same routines in life live in stable conditions. They believed that living life with like an adventures requires prohibitive money. People with paltry salaries cannot afford are not affordable to enjoy
various things over the world. They have to spend their budgets in other ways,
like welfare, taxes, and even mortgage loans. Moreover, innovative activities
are waste of time and accidents can be occurred. Thus, to guarantee a stable future,
people tend to avoid challenges.
In conclusion, both ideas seem to be valid,
but I believe the first idea is better than the latter one. It is because that
I have been focusing on the pursuit of challenge throughout my life. As a rule
of thumb, changes come from challenge used to exert important influences on my
perceptions. <(의전달이 잘 안되고 있습니다. ) To emphasize, even though fatal conclusions can be occurred in
exceeding adventures, I prefer to choose to do adventures without hesitation.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 질문이 말하는 challenge는 생활에 변화를 주기 위한 challenge입니다. adventures같은 challenge와는 조금 다릅니다. 그렇기 때문에 stable conditions 보다는 반복덕인 삶에 더 가깝습니다. 문법상 동사나 표현에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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