▶ Your Answer :
In modern day, many people tend to be disrespectful to
other people and we can easily see the phenomenon of an anti-social trend. One of
the reasons that causes these problems is the too competitive social environment, and the solution would be education that improves is improving sense of empathy. This
essay will describe the reason of the problem followed by, the action we can take be
taken to deal with this problem.
Firstly, this problem is caused by the too competitive society
system. That makes people selfish and to concentrate on short-term benefits such
as getting a better grade and better jobs than others. For example, quite many
students cheat in exams for getting a better score in relative estimate system.<(?) That behavior is completely ignoring and disrespecting other’s effort. <(what about anti social behavior? )
To treat this problem, schools, parents and even
governments should educate people to improve sense of empathy. If they can
understand sides of weak people and victims, they can realize that how badly somebody does not respect others and that respectful behavior can make a much
more peaceful society in a long-term sights. For instance, when some student
cheats in an exam, the teacher can suggests imagination that somebody steals his homework
or idea for an important exam.<(글쓴이가 말하고자 하는 내용이 조금 unclear하게 들립니다) As a result, the student can understand miserable
emotion of other sides and regret his fault. <(글 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In conclusion, competitive social system could make
people to have a selfish personality that disrespects others, and we should improve
emotion of empathy to consider others more for the world that everyone can be
respected. If they don’t<(contraction은 안 써주시는게 좋습니다), people will disrespect each other. Moreover, they
could ignore any rules and standard.
Score: 6 Comment: Disrespectful 대한 것 뿐만 아니라 anti-social behavior에 대해서도 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용상 fair하게 서술을 해주셨다고 생각합니다. 전체적으로 글 정리를 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 단어형태/시제/plurality에 주로 틀리시고 계시면 표현을 조금 더 다양하게 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |