▶ Your Answer :
To
be part a of society, students are required to get a help by schools. Schools
have many roles to be played but one of those roles would ensure students to be
a member of society. Ensuring students to be the perfect fit for the society,
critics claims should to remove less useful subjects such as art and music.
Although I agree that the educational institutions should be the future
guidance for students, I disagree with removing less useful subjects. (Need better transition)
Educational
institutions should ensure children to be a member of society. Since schools
are formed as a small size of society that could enable students to experience
a variety of situation learning responsive actions, students will be a part of
society. As a part of small society, students have to follow the rule to
produce a given task (homework, assignments, and reports) within a team. Teamwork
is achieved by the combination of different skill sets, and once these are
mastered, the harmonious society is made. Public schools in Korea, for example,
have included a variety of subjects in their curriculum (practical experience,
ethics, teamwork projects, field trips, and voluntary works) to develop
students' abilities. Therefore, schools should try many variety types of
approaches to ensure students to fit into society. <(sounds a little irrelevant. 질문은 첫번째 문장인 The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world 보다는 두 번째 문장인 Schools should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on useful subjects such as information technology. 에 대해 묻고 있습니다. )
On
top of the role of an educational institution, schools should provide all
necessary subjects to students. Firstly, teaching only useful subjects is hard
to define. For example, IT or computer related subjects were less fewer popular than
now, due to the technology inability. The inaccessible systems do not mean that
related subjects are less useful. In addition, cutting a number of subjects in
the curriculum means cutting students' opportunity to grow. If the school cuts
a number of subjects relating to art and music, students would not be able to
develop their emotions properly and would not be able to find their
personality. Personality and emotions are formed as reactive parts of the
brain, which are affected by music and artistic minds. Therefore, the
educational institutions should provide all possibilities to support students.
In
conclusion, schools can provide a variety of methods to achieve students to be
a member of society by giving all necessary subjects and encouraging students
to socialise within a school. <(질문을 답해주는 conclusion을 주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 미술과 음악은 아이 성장에 중요한 부분이기 때문에 다른 수업과 마찬가지로 중요한 수업들이다. 그렇기 때문에 이 두 수업을 curriculum에서 빼는 것은 좋지 않다 라고 말을 하실 수 있습니다. )
Score: 6 Comment: 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 위 에세이 보다는 이 에세이 정리가 더 잘 된 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |