▶ Your Answer :
There are
several roles to be played by schools and one of those are preparing children
to be a part of society. To be a he part of society, some critics claims that by
removing useless subjects such as art and music to focus student's attention on
useful subjects. <(sentence fragment/incomplete sentence) Although I agree that the main role for the educational
institutions is helping students to be a the part of society, I disagree with the
statement of removing any subjects from the curriculum. Schools
have several roles to be played; a legal guidance, a parental support and
personal guidance, but the main role is to prepare students to be a part of
society. We say that a school reflects the community in a smaller size.
Students have to follow the school rule under the teacher's authority just like
a business where all the employees are bound by the contract. But just in a
school will not be a perfect society member <(??) without having theoretical knowledge.
Like this, schools provide a variety of learning materials for students to
prepare for the society such as homework, assignments and reports. Furthermore,
educational institutions also provide an opportunity of team work to learn the
collaboration, communication, understandability and distribution. All these
activities are the process for the preparation for being a society member.
Therefore, schools should try variety of approaches to prepare students to be
fit into society. <(다른 에세이들과 같이 주제의 첫번째 문장 보다는 두 번째 문장에 대해 묻고 있는 질문입니다. 그렇기 때문에 이 문단은 조금 irrelevant하게 들립니다) In
contrast, schools should be allowed to teach all necessary subjects to help
students to be a society member. To begin with, art and music subjects enhance
students to express their emotions freely. If schools force to remove subjects
from the curriculum, students will control their emotions in a wrong way, which can
result in dysfunction in emotion. All the psychic crimes seen from the news
could be seen as a result of such a case. Therefore, the emotion related
subjects should be encouraged. Furthermore, the educational institutions should
provide every support students <(??) by providing all subjects. The usefulness of
subjects are changing depending on the economy and society. For example, IT or
computer related subjects were not the most popular subject in the past because
computers were not popular. But, this trend has changed according to the
development of technology, so all scientific related subjects are becoming popular.
In
conclusion, schools can provide a variety of methods to achieve students to be
a member of society by giving all necessary subjects and encouraging students
to socialise within a school. <(밑에 에세이과 같이 질문을 답해주는 conclusion을 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
Score: 6 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 글 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |