▶ Your Answer :
These days, a growing number of high schools do not recognize that art classes should be one of the mandatory classes. Some
people believe that our teenagers need to focus on academic classes in order to
get great performance in school. However, I strongly assert that high school
students must have art classes as a compulsory subject.
First of all, art classes are needed to be
a mandatory subject for searching for students’ art talent. This is because
that having art classes helps teenagers who do not know their own talent
discover their true potential and hidden talent. A survey conducted by a Korean
art university showed that more than half of the students responded that they found
their art talent during art classes in high school. Based on the a survey we can easily
see that art classes play an important role in art students’ lives. In this
sense, by having art classes as a mandatory curriculum, students can develop
their career in the a right direction.
(First of all 라는 표현을 쓰셨다면 Secondly라는 표현으로 내용을 이어주시는게 좋습니다. )
In addition, teenagers can have a chance to
have well-rounded education by having art classes in their curriculum. <(Need to elaborate. 또한 이 문장과 나머지 내용의 unity에 신경을 조금 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.) Moreover, they can learn how to express their emotion and relieve stress while
having art classes, which academic subjects are not able to teach. For example,
teenagers nowadays do not have enough time to deal with their stress and enjoy
themselves due to heavy workload from not only schools but also extra
curriculum activities such as academies. Thus, if art classes must be involved
in high school curriculum, they lead students to in a good way by reducing
stress which they can get from academic classes.
In conclusion, art classes should be a
mandatory subject in high school, <(왜 그런지에 대해서도 concluding을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) even though students need to concentrate on
academic ones to enter the qualified university.
Score: 7 Comment: 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 글 쓰시는데에는 크게 문제가 없어 보이십니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |