▶ Your Answer :
In
the past, the main family’s function was economical. Children were a member of
the labour force in the family from an early age and they did not have any
emotional bond with the family. Due to economic development, the family's
function has changed involving several functions; economic, educational,
religious, health, recreational, protective, affectional, and maintenance etc.
However, I believe that the main function of family should be the emotional
interactions. (Need better transition)
A family provides is providing a home to children as
well as the stable feeling of being supplied with necessities (food, clothes
and shelter). By staying at home with a family, all the family members can feel
comfort, peace and protection. Therefore, a home can provide emotional and
psychological support to all family members. Furthermore,
the affection from parents can create a strong emotional and psychological bond
with their children. Those affections can be provided in the name of supports,
positive feelings, confidence, and trust. By giving those affections everyday,
children can become an independent person by confidence and self-satisfaction. <(topic sentence를 emotional interactions가 main function이라고 전달을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 지금의 topic sentence물직적인 것을 provide 하는게 main function인 것 처럼 들립니다. 또한 가족이 왜 무언가를 provide 할 수 있는지 보다는 왜 main function이 emotional interaction인지 전달을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
With
having the strong emotional and psychological bond, children can follow the
family rules. Family can directly influence on children's behaviour, because
they can learn about justice, prejudice, social customs, traditions, norms and
etiquette, so that they can become a good citizen. This behaviour and manners
can affect the society. <(affect the society how? 질문은 what affects the society가 아니라 how it affects society이기 때문에 어떻게 emotional interaction이 가족의 main function으로 사회에 영햐을 끼치는지 물어 보고 있습니다.)
In
conclusion, the strong emotional and psychological conjunction between family
can be seen as the most important in order to teaching children about the
variety of manners and behaviours that are suitable for society, because
children can easily be influenced by other family members.
Score: 6 Comment: 질문을 잘 답해주고 있지 않습니다. Emotional interaction이 가족의 main function으로서 어떻게 provide 되는지 외에 왜 이것이 main function이라고 생각하시는지도 전달을 해주셨어야합니다. 또한 두 번째 문단의 topic sentence는 가족의 main function은 providing necessities for a living 처럼 들립니다. 또한 두 번째 질문의 경우 무엇이 사회를 affect하는지 답을 주셨지만 어떻게 사회에 영햐을 끼치는지는 답을 주시지 않았습니다. 문법상 동사 (수동태/능동태/to 부정사) 에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |