▶ Your Answer :
People
have different opinions concerning the best way to of care for pre-school children. Some
people argue that childcare center is beneficial because they provide children
with good quality services, while others say that intimate care from family
members is more effective ways to rear their child. In this essay, both views
will be discussed below as well as my personal opinions regarding this issue.
On the one
hand, it is obvious that childcare center is one of the excellent
facilities in caring pre-school children. This is because it can offer various
services for children. For example, childcare center has many (informal)> lots of visual and
auditory materials that children can use as well as interesting programs that
children can participate in. Also, with the guidance of well-trained teachers,
children will be able to be cared well. Therefore, it is undeniable that
childcare center can play an important role in caring for a pre-school child.
On the
other hand, some people say that family members such as grandparents would be
suitable in taking on a carer’s role. This is because they can take care of
child from morning to night. Family members also can easily notice their
children’s personal troubles since they always devote their full attention to the child. Moreover, they have already bonded with their child emotionally. Lastly,
family members can help their child to form personal characteristics by themselves.
Therefore, it is important for family members to take a role as a carer. <(이유들을 조금 더 elaborate 해주실 수 있으면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In
conclusion, although there are some contentions concerning the way of childcare
between parents, I personally think that care from family member is a more
effective way compared to sending children to a care center. In order to send a child
to care center, a significant amount of lots of money is needed, and some factors such as emotional bonds would be able to be taught by family members better very well rather than childcare
centers.
Score: 7 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 두 관점에 대한 discussion이 좋다고 생각합니다. 문법상 silly mistakes에 주의를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 에세이를 쓰신 후 꼭 proofreading을 해주셔서 mistakes를 줄이시는 것을 추천합니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |