▶ Your Answer : In the 21st century, the tuition fees have been risen more and more and eventually it has been a big burden to everyone. In this matter, if the government takes a role to pay the tuition to all of the students, there would be many a lot of positive aspects to both parents and students at all.<(doesn't really answer the question. 질문에 대한 답이 조금 더 clear 하면 좋을 것 같습니다. 장점이 그저 많다고 해주시는 것 보다는 단점 보다 많은것인지 많아도 단점이 더 많고 significant한것인지 specify 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
It is obvious that university students can get away from the burden that they should pay amazing expensive fees to get a certificate, for their future would bring a large number of upside influences to everyone. Firstly, it is the best method to give fair opportunities to all students who study in colleges regardless of household financial situations of whether they are the poor or not. Most of people who are in poverty are less likely to catch a chance to enter the universities and realize their dream, becoming specialists in some field. In reality, throughout the world, there are countless people who stop studying for fulfilling their goal and go to work directly after finishing high school, giving up further studies enter the universities to lead their families. Of course, there would be some people who said that the poor people do not have a choice, but to deal with this matter with supporting of from the nations would be a great way to tackle and solve the difference between the rich and poor in the long-term. <(내용을 조금 더 summarize 해주시고 장점에 대해 더 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
Nevertheless, there are some possibilities that of someone have worries about the tax burden caused by the tuition supports by the government, but it is definite thing that every person people would have a fair and positive burden <(positive burden이라는 것은 없습니다) because all their children can be free from the expensive fees when they become a college students in separately. Furthermore, parents also do not need to worry about their children's very pricey tuition and save the money over the years. It would be helpful to forget the family's burden and just focus on the preparation for their old ages as well as students also do not need to get a part time job during the semester to prepare for their tuition and instead of that they can totally immerse themselves into their studying.
In conclusion, if the nations support the university tuition fees to every students, both students and their parents would feel more happiness and a sense of satisfaction as young adults continue to study without losing their dreams.
Score: 6 Comment: 장점에 대해서만 서술을 해주시는게 아니라 장점이 단점 보다 더 많은지 아닌지에 대해 서술을 해주시는 것입니다. 이 내용이 introduction 와 conclusion에서는 clear하게 들리지 않기 때문에 그저 장점에 대한 질문인 task를 서술을 해주신 것 같습니다. 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 또한 내용 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 punctuation/전치사 사용/표현/collocation/에 조금 더 신겨을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 특히 punctuation을 잘 써주시지 않으면 내용이 어색하거나 헷갈리게 들릴 수 있습니다. 또한 조금 더 다양하고 formal 한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |