▶ Your Answer :
Music
can be widely used for various purposes such as entertainment, relaxation and
education, which became daily activities. As for these various purposes, music
has evolved along with the human civilisation. As the music develops, the trend
and cultural parts of music are changing as time passes by.<Need better coherence/cohesion> As the world
becomes globalised, people can listen to diverse globalised music at ease.
However, it cannot ignore the preservation of the traditional music for its
cultural and historical value cannot be ignored. <(조금 더 다양한 cohesive device를 쓰시는 것을 추천합니다)
People
listen to music for various reasons. This could be the same answer for why people
to seek music. Music has been evolved along with human civilisation, so it
modifies and adds many purposes.<(elaborate/specify modifies what? add purposes to what?) <Need better coherence> Nowadays, music can be found in almost everywhere,
even it is used for educational purposes. During the lessons, music can be used
for relaxation, concentration and calmness while, in some places, it must be played
for entertainment, meditation, and marketing strategic purposes. Therefore,
people is required music for various reasons. (Need better transition) As
the world develops, it is common to hear overseas music. By listening to
diversified music around the world, people can understand different cultures,
customs and languages, but it cannot be denied that those music have repetitive,
structures and dancing focused <(little unclear). This part of the song becomes a trigger for songs to get stuck in people's head. Nevertheless, the lyrics contains meaningless
phrases and meaningless stories which causes the popularity of international
songs to be changed rapidly at rapidity. Compared to this, the traditional music
embraces the history, culture and sorrowful stories that moves people's heart.
So that traditional music can create a cultural identity and cultural bonds more
than that of international music. Therefore, traditional music is more valuable
than that of international music. <(international songs에 대해 내용을 조금 더 summarize 해주시고 traditional music에 대한 importance에 조금 더 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In
conclusion, music has been a part of human life since early civilisation. The
purpose of music can be various, and several depends on the situation and the
purpose for needing the for music. However, the primary people need music for the
entertainment reasons so that, they can interact with each other at ease. <Need better coherence> Since the
globalisation, it is common to hear overseas music. <Need better coherence>The international music do
not include any stories which cannot bring the national bond like the
traditional music does. Therefore, the traditional music is more important than
that of international music. <(전체적으로 내용정리르 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
Score: 6.5 Comment: 질문에 대한 답이 좋다고 생각합니다. 하지만 내용 정리가 잘 안되어있습니다. Organization을 조금 더 해주시기를 바랍니다. Summarize해야할 할 부분은 summarize 해주시고 elaborate이 더 필요한 곳에는 elaborate를 더 해주시면 될 것 같습니다. 어는 부부는 너무 많이 서술을 해주셨고 어느 부분은 조금 더 서술을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같은 부분들이 있습니다. 또한 내용 정리를 하면서 coherence/cohesion/transition에도 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 일부 내용의 연결성이 떨어집니다. 그렇게 되면 흐름도 조금 어색하게 드릴수 있습니다. 내용상 purpose of why we listen to music 보다는 why we need music에 조금 더 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.. 문법상 collocation/article/사용/punctuation/수동태-능동태 활용/알맞는 단어형태/에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 문법에 최대한 틀리지 않도록 노력 해주시기를 바랍니다. 문법에 너무 많이 틀리시면 글이 어색하게 들리거나 헷갈리게 들릴 수 있습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |