▶ Your Answer : It is natural for humans to be curious about wild
animals. This curiosity had been appeared in 2500 BCE in Egypt by the precedent
forms of zoos. Despite the fact that the lifetime captivity could be seen as an animal
cruelty, the opportunities conducting and developing for animal study fields
cannot be ignored. In This essay will discuss both of aspects.
To begin with, it cannot be denied that zoos are it is one of
violent forms of torturing animals. The fact that wild animals have to spend the their rest of their lives in captivity and exposed their lives to the public endlessly 24/7.<(sentence fragment/incomplete) Their
lives would be stressed, and this which can cause several maladies. Furthermore, when humans find found new exotic animals, they are craving to capture those animals as a
marketing tool. However, the more wildest the animals are, the more difficult it would for them be able to adapt to the artificial environments. Therefore, zoos are
considered as a new method to torture wild animals. <(captive되고 하루종일 사람들한테 모습을 보이는게 어떻게 동물을 torture하는지 조금 더 elaborate 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In contrast, there are several advantages for wild
animals in a captivity. By capturing wild animals, the publics can be educated
about those species. This is beneficial for several scientists number of publics such as
zoologists, veterinarians, and animal researchers, because they can be able to
conduct a further research about the correlationship with other species <(with other species and who?) and as
well as the biological knowledge. So that, All these gathered detailed information
can educate the public and this can result in the development of animal sciences. Furthermore,
the publics can be entertained at the zoos by interacting with the animals. All visitors
may get psychologically influences from the interactions, and which can affect
their personality. Therefore, the existence of zoos provide several qualities
in different parts of society. <(동물한테는 어떻게 좋은지에 대해서도 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In conclusion, being curious about human's
surroundings and understanding of the natural cycles have been a natural part of
human. This curiosity had established in the form of zoos since ancient
Mesopotamia era. even though zoos can be considered as an inhumane activity, the
development of animal research is was possible. <(에세이의 주제는 pros and cons of keeping animals in zoos이기 때문에 이에 대해서만 concluding을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 내용은 relevant하지만 질문의 주제와는 다른 주제이기 때문에 조금 misleading하게 들릴 수 있습니다)
Score: 6.5 Comment: Discussion을 잘 해주신 것 같습니다. 다만 표현과 문법에 조금 틀리시고 계십낟. 표현의 경우 문맥상 알맞는 단어들을 쓰고 있지 않습니다. 예를 들어 develop of animal sciences 에서 of 전에 나오는 단어는 명사여야하는데 develop는 동사형입니다. 이와 같이 문구/문장구조상 알맞는 형과 다른 단어형을 써주시고 계십니다. 문법상 collocation/문장구조/수동태/article 사용/plurality에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 그 외에는 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |