▶ Your Answer :
There It is no doubt that the family structure has changed in its size, and the role of family members also changed. This essay will address whether the modification of such a change would impose a positive or negative improvement to a society before a reasonable conclusion is reached. <(positive/negative에 대한 글쓴이의 주장을 introduction에서 부터 clarity/specify해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다) Nowadays, the size of families is becoming smaller, and the role for the unit of members are altered. Male was Males were the main source of income in the family and women were the supporting role. This responsibility of males has now been shared with their partners, and now women have equal opportunities. <(내용을 조금 더 elaborate 해주시거나 changes에 대해 더 전달을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 왜 size가 줄어들었는지 서술을 해주시면 될 것 같습니다.) All these changes brought the positive development to the society. As regards to the smaller size of families, each family member could benefit from an increase sense of freedom. For example, parents have more free time now than in our previous generation when they had to bear the responsibility of taking care of grandparents and children.<(가족수가 줄어들어도 grandparents나 children를 taking care 하는 것은 같다고 생각합니다. 그렇기 때문에 not taking care of grandparents and children가 smaller size of families와 어떤 관련이 있는지 연결을 지어주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) With more free time, parents could focus on their work and could continue on further studies to improve their career path. As the matter of father and mother’s role, women may benefit from having their own career with financial availability. Males also could benefit from this change as they are freed from financial burdens for being the main income source to support the whole family. (Need better transition/cohesion) Not only did all these changes have brought the positive aspects to the society, but also have brought some drawbacks. To start with, people might get depressed or feeling lonely of being alone by the reduction of the family size. This aspect could be expressed in wrong ways such as becoming a of workaholic or addiction is the one, and there is a possibility of people could not being able to control their the emotions is another aspects. Lastly, single parents family structure influenced on a decline of population. Due to this preference of becoming single parents, the government increases financial supports for the elders. <(single parents에 대해서도 두 번째 문단에 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) In conclusion, the most apparent changes in today’s families include a decreased family size and a shared financial and household responsibility of men and women. Such a change is beneficial to the society with the acknowledgement of psychological and economical drawback aspects. <(drawback aspects가 beneficial하다는 점은 어색하게 들립니다. 그렇기 때문에 두 번째 질문에 대한 글쓴이의 주장이 조금 헷갈리게 들립니다)
Score: 6.5 Comment: 두 질문에 대해서 잘 서술을 해주신 것 같습니다. 첫 번째 질문에 대해서는 조금 더 elaborate 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 changes에 대해 더 전달을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 네 번째 문단에서 mention 해주신 single parent households에 대해서 서술을 해주실 수 있습니다. Body 내용상 두 번째 질문에 대해서는 글쓴이는 both positive and negative하다고 생각하신 것 같습니다. 이 주장이 introduction에서는 clear하면 좋을 것 같습니다. Conclusion에서는 이 질문에 대한 주장이 clear하지 않고 쓰신 표현 때문에 contradicting하게 들리기 때문에 수정을 하는 것을 추천합니다. 문법상 시제/collocation/어순/문장구조/plurality에 주로 들리시고 계십니다. 그 부분들은 글 안에 있는 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 마지막으로 첨삭이 많이 늦어서 죄송합니다. 수고 하셨습니다! |