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The picture illustrates the development of the village of Stokeford from the period of 1930 and 2010. It is noticeable that, the farmland areas of Stokeford have improved in the most of farmland areas to be by being replaced with several major residential areas to become a modernised city. <(도시가 됬다는 점은 지도를 통해 알수 는 없습니다) The major development occurred along the main road, which laid parallel to the River Stoke. Due to the expansion of roads, the farm land has disappeared, which generated more access for of people to the area. As a result of The gathering of people in Stokeford led to the incremental number of houses as well as the expansion of primary schools' size. It has introduced new two new buildings next to the main school building. <Need better coherence> The majority of areas on the East side of Stokeford were used to be located for the gardens with large houses in 1930. Over the period, these areas for the gardens with large houses was replaced its facility to the with a retirement house and it reduced its space by half. The residential houses have filled up those remaining half of the areas. Furthermore, on top of the modification of facility usage, it also re-established two more retirement houses on North and South of the primary buildings.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 글은 잘 써주셨지만 내용 정리가 잘 안되어있습니다. Organization에 조금 더 신경을 써주시기를 바랍니다. 또한 post office가 remained했고 shops는 없어졌다는 점도 전달을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. River Stoke는 고유명사이기 때문에 대문자로 써주셔야합니다. 문법상 어순/문장구조/시제/에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 마지막으로 첨삭이 너무 많이 늦어서 죄송합니다. 수고 하셨습니다! |