▶ Your Answer :
As society develops, the differences
between rich people and ordinary people become complicated, because nowadays
almost all people can afford most of materials which only could be held by the wealthy. Due to this complication, the society focuses more on materialistic
judgement by the possessions. <Need better coherence/cohesion> Even though the old way to judge people (trust,
kindness, honour, honesty and politeness) tend to be seemed to be forgotten, the old way
is still playing an important role in many parts of society. This essay will
discuss these views in depth.
As the society changed into a full
materialistic worlds, where people can be able to possess majority of durable
goods, the fine details becomes the measure to define the differences between
rich and poor. In the case of owning vehicles and traveling to overseas, it used to be the only
option for wealthy, but nowadays anyone can have and do so. The detail for those items
such as the types of vehicles and the types of travels are becoming the new
measure to judge other people’s status. Since people are focusing too much many on
tiny details for the distinction, people are forgetting about the old ways to
measure people’s value. Therefore, it is common that people are judging other
people by material possessions for the distinction between wealthy and ordinary
people.
However, it does not mean that the old ways
of valuing others is completely gone. The societies will be enlightened to consider
the use of old ways of measurement to judging other people person. <(why? elaborate/ 예시를 주시기전에 설명을 먼저 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다) In the case of one of
my friends, Maria Rakichinan, despite being the she is a daughter of a secretary general
in Indonesia, she was being impolite and selfish. Due to her bad attitudes, all
school mates did not like her and the school president had been forcing her in
order to drop out from the school. Like this case, the society is expecting
people to have a certain behavior regardless of with their wealth. In other cases,
many corporations and employers are still seeking candidates with a
well-mannered personality. Therefore, the society has not forgotten about the
old-fashioned ways to judge people.
In conclusion, it is very common to see
that people are judging others by possessions. However, people would be recognized by the importance of the traditional ways to judge people by seeing the their personality of wealthy and the employment selection.
Score: 7 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 문법상 전치사 활용/collocation에 틀리시고 계십니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |