As there have been immense advances affecting most people’s lives, technological inventions including computers and the Internet have been utilized in education. The issue of whether or not teachers’ involvement in school is more significant than education programmes provided by computers(뒤에 'more'이 있으니 문장에서 비교해주는 대상이 있으면 더욱 좋겠습니다) 'for our
children'넣어주는 센스^0^; has triggered much concern in public sphere. Although it can be argued that teachers play an indispensable role in class, within reasonable bounds, some people believe that the high technology provides a wide range of educational advantages.
조언을 해드리자면, 첫문장인 "As~education"에서 이미 앞부분에 there have been
immense advances~라고 하였으니, 뒤에 computers and the Internet have been~의
'have been'대신 have been보다 앞의 시제를 사용하는게 어떨까요? 예를 들어서,
computers and the Internet are now utilized~...
Proponents of the importance of schools and teachers often point out that the best outcome of education for children comes from precisely provided feedback from their teachers. According to the research conducted by the Department of Education in Australia, the(불필요) face to face teaching style enhances levels of effectiveness in learning process by motivating children and providing educational diagnosis and(보다는> with) different approaches so as to obtain the highest result in education.
"According to the~education."까지가 한 문장이더군요. 길지만 좋습니다.
However, there are a number of benefits in uing(실수하셨군요..using) computers and the Internet. First of all, intellectual programs can be used to obtain more objective outcomes than that from teachers or schools(순서를 좀 바꾸었습니다) in teaching children than teachers or schools. It is because education sectors run with subjective opinions from teachers in terms of guiding and educating children. Furthermore, by providing similar explanations and practices, young students with intellectual deficiencies will be never left behind at school, which means all students can have primary education equally and learn productively. Another merit is that, with accessibility of the Internet, children can use the web in order to search and exchange information they want by overcoming geographical barriers.
제가 밑줄치고 진하게 색칠한 부분은 아이디어가 약간 모자란데,
비슷한 설명과 연습을 제공함으로써 지능적으로 부족한 학생들이 학교에서 뒤처지지
않는다는 거잖습니까.
컴퓨터랑 인터넷이 아이들의 교육상 이득이 되는 점을 열거 하는데 있어서 무관련해
보여 문단 자체에서 제외시켜야 합니다.
추가로 맨 마지막 문장은 "Excellent!"를 드리고 싶습니다.
To sum up, while teachers and schools are one of the most influential elements in learning process for children to create high quality(보다는>become highly qualified) in education
(불필요), computers and the Internet can be also used to increase objective outcomes in education as well as sharing other people’s thinking(>thoughts) and ideas no matter where they are. I confirm that those methods of education should be used altogether and they need to support each other’s drawback.
글쓴이의 주장이 conclusion에서야 나와있군요.
서두나 바디 맨 처음 부분등에 미리 한번의 주장 언급을 해주시면 좋을 거 같습니다.
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