Topic :
Some people believe that teenagers should concentrate on all school subjects. But, others believe that teenagers should focus on the subject that they are best at or that they find the most interest. Do you agree or disagree? |
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As diverse school(뒤에 in school에 의해서 중복되어 불필요) subjects have been taught in school, the issue of whether teenagers should be encouraged to study all subjects rather than focusing only some topics they like to study has triggered much concern in education sectors.(좋은 서두배경과 topic소개군요) Although it can be argued that teaching particular subjects to students is more beneficial than learning all subjects(참고: 'whole curriculum'도 좋음), within reasonable bounds, I believe that all subjects need to be taught for the potential benefits of governments and teenagers.
Proponents of choosing typical(typical이 여기서 무슨 뜻으로 쓰였지요? 적절치 못합니다.
>specific로 수정) units for school lessons often point out that when teenagers study their preferable subjects, their concentration and academic achievements on the unit tend to be higher than those studying all school materials. For this reason, those students (those students가 여기서 누구를 가리키는 불명확합니다.>those students in the prior case 또는 those students who zero in on studying their favored courses) are more likely to become professionals in the distinctive areas of their expertise.
However, there are a number of merits in of studying all school subjects. First of all, if students only choose particular units to study, which they think they are good at, not many students are would be willing to study the scientific classes which people find hard and tiresome, such as science and mathematic. From the standpoint of governments and its nations' long term prosperity, there would be more chances to lost loose future scientists and engineers who have direct impacts on sources of national incomes. To support this opinion, according to a scientific research, gross domestic products influenced by technological inventions have occupied more than 50 % in U.S.A 's total GDP products(그냥 'USA의 50%를
차지한다'라고 하면 이상하니 ''s total~'를 붙여 봅니다.) since the (year of the ->첨가해도 되고 첨가하지 않아도 됩니다) Great Depression. In consequence, governments should persuade students to study all subjects irrespective of their preference.
Furthermore, as adolescents grow, their preference and career pathway which they built during secondary education may be changeable. From the point of individuals, they need to expose themselves to all areas of subjects. It is because professional skills nowadays are inter-related and other subjects are used to support other units’ theories and ideas.
Excellent ideas have been included in the above paragraph!
To sum up, while studying some units teenagers like to study can lead to higher academic performance, the positive aspects of studying all subjects outweigh the mentioned advantage of selecting particular units. I confirm that all necessary units need to be taught in primary and secondary schools for the benefits of governments and teenagers themselves.
Conclusion에 서두와 약간의 중복되는 내용이 있어 아쉬움이 남습니다.. |
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>Examiner의 시점에 선다면 대략 7.0~7.5를 드리고 싶습니다. 가끔가다 보이는 grammar errors,
inappropriate word choice 등등에 불구하고 위 글이 주어진 메인 이슈를 충분히 잘 다루고 있으며
글쓴이의 요지가 분명하고 supported examples나 explanations이 독자들을 설득시키기에 타당성이
매우 뚜렷합니다.
막상 시험에서 누구나 긴장하니 자신이 가지고 있는 원래 실력을 마음껏 뽐내기가 쉽지 않습니다.
그러나 꾸준한 훈련을 통해서 어떤이도 강해질 수 있습니다.
좋은 essay 잘 읽었습니다.
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