It is controversial that whether learning with computers is beneficial for children's education in many aspects or not.There are several people who are insisting on the importance of educating students with the(불필요) computers.
서두에서 주제에 대한 배경만 언급될뿐, 앞으로 전개될 내용사항에 대한 간단한
소개 및 글쓴이의 essay에 대해 들어가는 말이 불참되어 있습니다.
좋은 Intro를 위해선 반드시 Topic sentence가 필요합니다.
First of all, it is beneficial for when studying with computers, because it tool(불필요) in the is cost- effective efficiency.There are infinite information on the websites and education institutions backed up by government(순서를 좀 바꾸었습니다) are offering lots of free contents through the internet recently. So, even poor students could learn anything as much as they want online. Internet based education facilitates the access of education more easily.
Secondly, it('it'이 무얼 가리키는지 불명확합니다. 구체적 언급 필요) has few limitation of time and location. Even in the(불필요) rural regions, which has few schools, many people could learn almost every kinds of studies through the on-line learning programmes. It is enhancing, therfore, the equality of the education for the common people(보다는>) Therefore, it enables strong enhancement of education equality for everyone.
지적할 사항이 검정색 글씨로 표시되어 있습니다.
few는 "적다"를 가리키는 단어입니다. 그에 반해, 'a few'의 경우 "몇몇 된다~"
라는 뜻이지요. Body1에 이어서 Body2도 컴퓨터와 인터넷을 통한
education의 장점을 논하고 있습니다.
Body2에서 "시골에서도 온라인 배우기 프로그램을 통해 사람들이 많은
종류의 공부를 배울 수 있다~"라는 내용에 앞서,
"It has few limitation of time and location"->오히려 부정적으로 "시간과
지역에 제한이 있다"라는 억양을 풍깁니다. 그래서 정정하겠습니다.
"Computers and online networks are independent from limitations of time
and location."
On the other hand, some people say that it is vital to teach the(불필요) students with off-line contact with teachers. Nevertheless Even if the on-line education is cost-effective and easy to access great amount of knowledge regardless of the location and time, it is essential for pupils to communicate with other students and be taught from teachers with polite attitude as well.
To get to know the social courtecy and rules of the shool, which symbolizes a small organisation, the students need to attend the classes at school. Futhermore, And in the off-line(불필요) classroom, it is available for students to be taught the of playing the becoming athletes, for example, they can play soccer and tennis as well.These are not available through the on-line education system.
In my opinion, I agree on with both of the ideas partially. It is very beneficial for common people to study with on-line learning system. (full stop찍고 새로운 문장으로 들어갑니다)However, it is also vital to keep learning learn in the off-line classes to know how to communicate with other people and follow the rules belonging in various groups. When both methods of learning need to be meet fairly fulfiled parallel jobs in the education fields, it will achieve the meaningful goal of education.
어색한 문장 구조가 눈에 많이 띕니다. Frequent grammar error는 감점 요인이
될 수 있으며 철자의 omission 또한 candidate의 기본적인 영어 실력을
의심받을 수 있습니다.
문장들 사이에서 보다 자연스럽고 매끄러운 문장 이음새가 절실합니다.
하지만 주제에 대한 ideas는 독자를 설득시킬 만합니다.
-H-
|