▶ Your Answer : people have long argured over whether women have more responsibility from having babies to bring the children up >> 문제에서 너무 비슷하게 따오는 것은 좋지 않습니다. Some people insist that responsibility of having babies and growing up is from motherhood, while other people contradict this idea. It is >> 문장이 너무 길어 끊어드렸습니다 because fatherhood should be emphasised as much as motherhood. I agree with the former idea because children should to be grown up by rational and emotional support of both of parents. In addtion, financial effort of both of parents them is so important for children.
First of all, fatherhood should be reminded because children can learn rationally valuable life lessons from their fathers rationally. In 1990s, the Korean government's census>>a census by the Korean government가 자연스럽겠네요 showed the result of survey about roles of father and mother in healthy family. According to the result , 60% of the people thought that roles of father should be making important decisions and 40% of the people said the reason is that fathers are tend to be more rational. On the other hands, when children had troubles in their school or with friends, mothers are good at counselling them emotionally in 63% people's mind. Just under 40% of the people thought that mother's role is giving consolation and sympathy to children sensitively. If mother has a more rational personality, she can do father's role. but However, >> 문장이 길어서 끊었습니다 in this case, father can do a mother's role by giving to children emotional supports. The important thing is that there should be balanced of both of parents. This survey shows that father and mother are all required to do their own roles in family with a balance. Moreover, fatherhood is essential because they can teach to children by strict and rational rules, concerning whether they do or not, what to do, what is prohibited and so on. about what they do, what is prohibited, and so on.
Secondly, family need financial supports from both of parents. To raise up children, one of the biggest requirements is economic condition. It causes a new phenomenon that young people delay their marriage until they are affordable to care their family with stable salary in this time. Nowadays, lots of >> lots of는 구어체에서 사용하기 쉽게 만들어놓은 구조라고 알고 있습니다 a lot of가 좋을 듯 싶습니다 couple works together to earn enough money to spend on children's education. Unfortunately , even if they work together, sometimes, the living costs is still too high to cover it. Futhermore, if mother brings solely her children up solely, she can feel more difficulty.
In conclusion, even though there are some opinions focusing on only motherhood, I totally agree with that good family is composed of both parts of parents. The reason is that because fatherhood means that he gives strict and rational rules to children with mother's roles in balance and because there are huge needs of financial supports from both of parents.
우선 어휘와 그래머의 다양성에서 오류가 많이 발견된 글이었습니다 기본적인 문법들을 좀 틀리셨네요 one of the 최상급 복수명사, If절의 동사가 현재면 주절의 조동사도 현재 등의 문법이 필요하고 동사를 꾸며주는 부사는 문장 마지막이 아닌 동사 뒤에 위치하게 해주세요 본문의 길이는 비슷해야 하는데 상대적으로 거의 반 정도의 길이인 본론2가 부족하지 않았나 싶습니다 Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.5 예상합니다
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