▶ Topic :
What is happiness? This question seems to be simple but it is difficult to answer as well. This essay will discuss about happiness of our life.
Firstly, people find their joyfulness with their family, friends and lovers. If someone does not have any friends, he or she will feel very lonely. Definitely, nobody can live as being alone. I have an experience that, during last year, I was in New Zealand by myself. >> 문장이 짧아 이어드렸습니다 At that time, I realized that parents and friends are very important to me. There was no reason to define happiness, which is related to my family and friends. Therefore, people can find delight with their precious people.>> no need to think of happiness 라며 풀어가는 것이 좋겠습니다 현재 쓰신 것으론 살짝 너무 한국스러운 문장이다 싶습니다
Secondly, goals of life make people happy. Everyone has goals and they are trying to get reach an achievement. It could be including a job, a prize, and hobbies and so on. We can find out that happiness is engaged with our efforts. If we are working hard for our goals, it will give us a lot of gladness.>> 글의 스타일 상의 오류가 있는 듯 싶습니다 The happiness covers a job~~ and so on. 한 다음 갑자기 노력과 관계있다는 문장이 나오니 어색합니다
Finally, the most important thing is that enjoying our life. Generally, people have a lot >> lots of 는 구어에 쓰이는 말입니다 of worries. For example, some parents are worrying about their children. Moreover, the young generation people has worries about their unexpected future. However, it is not helpful to be happy. Worrying is not a good way to solve our problems as well. We have to recover from the problems refresh with positive mind. Thus, having happiness will be the best to get rid of the problems.
In conclusion, happiness is not far from our own life. We can find easily happiness easily, if we are enjoying life with our lovely people and goals.
글이 너무 이쪽 저쪽 통통 튀는 듯한 느낌을 받습니다 쭉 이어지지 않고 갑자기 한 줄마다 서로의 성격을 갖는 듯한 느낌입니다 다른 문법적인 부분들도 봐주시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.5 예상합니다 |