▶ Your Answer : With the development of society, various changes and phenomena have appeared in this modern society. One of the issues is whether the eating habits and lifestyles of children have constantly created harmful health problems on health or not. Some people may argue that children should follow the convenient and a rapid way, which is sutable to this society. However, I strongly believe that following comfortable ways not only have attacked children's healthy life such as the lack of nutrition and their psychlogical health problems.>> 마지막 문장이 긴 느낌이 있습니다
To begin with, eating habits and life style changes in lifestyles have impaired children's physical health. The fundamental reason behind this is that most products through factories used to add some harmful food additives.This is because not only to fit for the busy life of people but also to make flavors that children to be satisfied.>> 첨가물과 바쁜 생활 사이에 연관성이 뭔가요? Specifically, the people of former generation tended to have meals in their own home. Meanwhile, people in today do not have enough time to cook their food at home. Due to this reason, their children also have had impacts on their nutrient supply, and even have appeared obesity. >> 나가서 먹는 것, 집에서 요리를 해서 먹지 않는 것으로 단순하게 비만을 초래할까요? 주장을 더욱 뒷받침 해주시길 바랍니다
In addition, nowadays, most communications, works, and even educational programs conducted on the Internet. To be specific, this society is the age of information age, whereas, this period has caused the resault of isolating children. Since most children prefer to interact via cellphones and computers, they not only prefer to communicate through online, but also fall into individualism. and Moreover, even it causes psychological health problems, like such as >> like 보다 such as 가 아카데믹한 글에 어울립니다 depression.
In conclusion, developing food industries and changing lifestyles are certainly innovational issues. However, but I firmly believe that the outcomes of this development have been negative results led negative results in terms of the lack of supplying nutrition and weaken the mental health of the children in today.
우선 전체적인 글 흐름은 좋았습니다 필요한 곳에 따라 제가 표시해드렸는데 참고해주시면 감사드리겠습니다 가운데 - 빼는 부분들은 그냥 빨간 표시만 했으니 봐주시구요 위에 표시한 부분만 봐주시면 좋겠습니다 Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6 6.0 예상합니다 |