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Having various experiences such as work and travel is always one of the interests that students have. There is an argument whether or not such experiences have positive effects on people who graduate secondary education. In my view, without any doubt, experiences play an important role in their lives.
To begin with, work experience in young age prepares students to be more successful in their career. >> 주어에 students 가 들어가서 작문하는게 더욱 좋을 듯 싶습니다For example, if they know what they are going to do after the study, they would >> if절 동사가 현재면 주절 조동사는 현재입니다 understand more clearly about the role they will be engaged. It is a preventive system for people who keep changing their career. As a consequence, student may feel more confident with choosing their pathway.
Furthermore, taking a trip to overseas would enlarge their views on about how they see the world. They would learn about cultures and differences by meeting foreign people >> foreigners, which helps to understand their identity and what differences other people have. We live in a society where interacting with others is crucial. By exposing themselves to the world, students could learn more about socializing and interaction in a group.
In spite of its advantages, there are minor drawbacks. Some of students could be ended up with being lost while during >> while 뒤엔 완전한 절이 와야 합니다 travelling. If a student decides to go with work, they would >> 위와 마찬가지입니다 will lose an opportunity to study with friends whom in the same age.
In conclusion, although students may have some adverse effects on engaging work or travelling before starting university, the advantages of such experiences far outweigh the disadvantages. Therefore, students should be strongly urged to gain diverse experiences in the world.
262words
서론 결론 구성은 깔끔하게 잘 하셨습니다 문단은 총 4개 정도가 알맞습니다 본문에 drawbacks 부분이 너무 짧지 않나 생각이 듭니다 상대적으로 전체 흐름은 좋았습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 7 Lexical Resource - 7 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.5 예상합니다 조금만 손 보시면 7.0 노리실만 할 듯 싶습니다 |