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The happiness is one of the greatest values for each person. Nobody wants to be unhappy and depressed. However, most people face the question like >> such as what is happiness?,>> 콤마 빼주세요 and they do not know how to achieve the happiness >> it is hard to decbribe what it is and what things are crucial to reach it 정도로 써주시면 될 듯 싶네요. To solve this question, we need to recognize the happiness` definition and some factors to approach to the happiness it.>> 이 네 줄에서 happiness 가 5번이 쓰였습니다 . 좋은 문장이 아니라는 뜻입니다 또한 we 같은 말을 쓰지 말고 people 처럼 객관적인 시점에서 써주세요
First of all, there is no precise definition for happiness. Each person`s criteria of satisfaction feeling is different from one another. >> 이거보단 행복의 정도는 어떤 기준에 의해 고정되지 않았다. (주장) 사람마다 감정이 어떻다하고 느끼거나 생각하는 정도가 달라 정의하기 어렵다(설명) -> 표현하기 어렵다면 비슷한 문맥으로 고쳐서 해주셔도 좋겠습니다 For instance, in case of a person who got suffers from an serious incurable disease which does not have any relevant remedy >> 단어의 중요성입니다 7단어로 풀어서 말해야 할 부분은 incurable 이란 단어 하나면 명확하게 간단하게 정리가 됩니다, the one`s patient's happiness would be an advent of innovative pharmaceutical stuffs prexxscription. As for the other person who got bankrupt, the one`s willingness could be parceling to his or her bank account. >>굳이 작성하지 않으셔도 됩니다 As like this example For the reason above, we may not be able to demonstrate the criteria of happiness because the individual willingness is quite different for each human being.
Secondly Otherwise, there are unambiguous factors to approach the happiness. Definitely, the first factor is that people overcome their personal hardship or trouble. Most people say they are unhappy because they are stuck at in many troublesome>> 형용사입니다 nowadays. >> happiness can be bated by many troubles. To be happy, they need to overthrow these bothersome.>> bothersome 역시 형용사입니다 The second factor is that people need to do what they want. In other words, for example,>> 어떤 설명이 없이 바로 예시가 나오는건 좋지 않습니다 they sometimes execute something which they do not want because of some grounds>> 모호한 듯 싶네요 such as earning money or getting >> get 동사는 피해주세요 being forced by someone. Needless to say, the first condition of happiness is doing something with delightful feeling. So they should perform something that they can be enjoyable.>> 행복은 자기가 원하는 것을 해야 나온다. 현대에 일이나 시간에서의 제약 때문에 원하는 것을 못해 행복을 느끼는 것에 bated 된다 식으로 풀어나가면 좋겠습니다
To conclude, although it is really difficult to clarify the definition of happiness, the conditions of being happy is very lucid>> 행복해지는 조건은 매우 명백하다 -> 어떤 점에서요? 결론에는 간단하게나마 그런 말들을 정리해줘야 합니다 대명사나 명백하다 식으로 그냥 받으면 안 되구요 서론처럼 작성해주는겁니다. To approach to happiness, we should eliminate the troublesome or barrier of our lives and perform what we would like to do.
전체적으로 문장 구성에 조금 어려움이 있어 보입니다 문법이나 단어 면에서요 계속 썼던 단어들이 반복되는 현상이 보입니다 좋지 않구요 본론 구성에도 설명이 빠지거나 하고 주장이 모호하거나 하는 부분들이 있습니다 문법 단어 공부하시면서 Task1 을 작성해보세요
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 4 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.0 예상합니다 |