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The more a hectic life is spread in the modern society, the more Nowadays, people are have a troubled with insomnia in sleeping. Sleeping This issue becomes a big issue and >> issue 와 problem은 같은 말입니다 issue 가 problem보다 아카데믹한 좋은 말입니다 many researchers show the reasons and solutions. >> 서론이 제대로 되지 않았습니다 어떻게 쓰는지 예시를 보면서 익히시려면 다른 분들 글 보시면 좋겠습니다 There are various reasons why people suffer from sleeping and diverse methods to solve it.
First of all, people’s life pattern has been changed to sleep late. Since discovered the advent of a light bulb and developed the technology such as computer and smart phone, so forth. In addition, , some people have an irregular lifestyles that affected their sleeping time. If they go to bed too late repeatedly, it is not easy to fall asleep easily because the brain is awake from the sympathetic nerve and body will remember the sleeping pattern, which is called biorhythm. Secondly, most people enjoy drinking coffee or tea in daily life and thus contain the caffeine bothering the sleeping if amount is over the recommended daily allowance. Most people who have concerns or stressful situations are able to have insomnia. >> 위의 in addition, 밑에 secondly 모두 주장을 나타내는 부사입니다 한 본문엔 하나의 주장만 필요해서 두개를 지우셔야 합니다 secondly 부분에 For example 해서 예시를 표현해주세요 However On the other hand, >> 어떤 본인의 중점 의견을 말하는 단언적인 주장이 없습니다 people are likely to exit avoid the sleeping problem if they follow some directions that researchers or scientists found out how to manage it well. For instance, light exercise within one or two hours before sleep is helpful for good sleep. Avoiding caffeine after 4pm does not bother night's sleep. Finally, take a warm shower or tub bathing is a good way to relax muscles and relieve the stress, either >> Finally 역시 추가 주장을 나타냅니다 보시면 위에 과학자들이 운동을 하면 좋다 이런 얘기와 다르게 샤워나 목욕 같은게 근육을 풀어준단 또 다른 말이 나오는걸 보실 수 있습니다.
In summary, with maintaining a regular lifestyle and keep good health through the balanced nutrition in daily, people would not disturb their sleeping anymore. >> 위 내용들과 전혀 상관없는 영양소 얘기가 나왔네요 결국 본론1 본론2 결론 다 다른 얘기를 하는 셈입니다
각 문단 첫 시작은 한 칸 들여쓰고 시작해주세요 논리 전개에 많이 미흡합니다 첫 작품이라고 하셨는데 Task1 을 먼저 쓰시길 바랍니다 어느새 글의 중점도 insomnia 가 아닌 life pattern 으로 됐네요
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 4 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
5.5 예상합니다 |