▶ Your Answer :
As the our society is becoming more globalized, several languages are turning extinct whereas picking up English is now a get to be mandatory prosedure procedure for the younger generation. Some people assert that if fewer languages exists, people will not have any troubles when communicating with foreigners cannot be in a trouble to communicate with foreigners. 여기서 hence을 쓰시면서 두 문장이 연결이 되지 않고 다른 이야기로 흘러갑니다. Hence 보다는 However을 사용하시는게 더 맞는 것 같습니다. Hence, I think language represents each country's culture and make creates a gap between developing and developed countries. I will outline my opinion about this debate in the following essay. (이 단락이 에세이의 시작이기 때문에 following essay 라고 하시면 이 뒤로 올 에세이 라고 말하시는 것이기 때문에 이상하게 들립니다. 그리고 자기 주장이 뭔지 introduction에 써주시면 더 좋을거같아요)
To begin with, Language is a symbol of nationality and culture. For instance, when Korean ancestors did not have our the current written characters named as Han-geul, they needed to use written Chinese characters. Also, we felt language is valuable to grow ownership about one's own country. After the king se-jong had made Han-geul, we had been Korea was dominated by Japan. As Japan already knew knowing language (what language?) is a major part of making us(who is us?) united, they forced us to use Japanese, not Korean. As language is evolved with culture, language it can make people feel united (same meaning)and be gathered. It includes our nationality and culture. As I mentioned above(where?), it applied applies to all countries. All languages possess their nation's power. Therefore, people should cherish all languages itself regardless of countries.
Furthermore, fewer languages in the world will accelerate unseen discrimination among the nations. It is undeniable that English is the most well-know well known language worldwide. This phenomenon also indicates that America is the most effective (effective in what ways?) country. On the other hand, minor countries such as Africa (Africa는 continent이지 country는 아니에요) and Central Asia is are not popular and still developing. In other words, making effort to learning their language will be useless to make effort or invest in. As a global citizen, we should not isolate make uncompetitive minor countries isolated from the international society.
To synthesize sum up, people should not overlook the extinction dying out of several certain languages in the world. Even though it can be easier for all nations to speak a few of standardized languages (not a complete sentence). (In other words, it can enable developed nations to feel lonely from global society. For sure, it will leads to be difficult problem conflicts for to all countries.)<내용이 헷갈립니다. I hope people will work towards preserving struggle(이 단어는 적합하지않습니다. 마치 사람들이 꼭 힘듦을 겪으면서 culture를 preserve 했으면 좋겠다라고 들려서 examiner 입장에서는 안좋게 들릴수도 있을거같아요) to preserve their own culture and make balance admistamidst countries with ownership as a global citizen.
Score:5 Comment:쉬운 전치사, 복수형, 단수형, subject verb agreement,그리고 스펠링을 많이 틀리시는거 같아요. 글을 다쓰시고 쓰신 글을 한번 읽어보세요. 디테일이 조금 부족하신거 같아요. 그런 부분에는 제가 그 디테일은 찝어낼 질문으로 표시해놨습니다. 내용은 좋으시나 내용을 정리하시는 연습을 조금 하셔야할거같아요 그러면 글의 흐름도 좀더 좋아질거같습니다! 그리고 formal 에세이는 personal하게 we, our, us,를 사용하시는 것은을 자제 하는게 좋습니다. |