▶ Your Answer :
The bar line graph presents how many people visited to
three different museums in London; (British Museum, Science Museum and Natural History Museum)<이 phrase를 different museums 뒤에 콤마를 이용해서 쓰시거나 아님 새로 문장을 만드시는게 더 좋을거같아요. from June to September in 2013. The most noticeable feature of the data is that the
largest amount of visitors in June had was taken by British Museum at about 600
thousands people and its figure showed a drastic increase up to 750 thousands
in July. However, there was a significant decline one a month later and its
figure climbed again in September. As for the Natural History Museum, they had been recorded as the second leader highest in the whole entire Summer period with some fluctuations; there
was a decrease of visitor’s number from 550 thousands in June to 380 thousand in July
and a sudden growth between July and September. When it comes to the Science Museum, they attracted the
least number of people for four months, rising reaching up to 450 thousands visitors which was very close in numbers with Natural Museum's number.
Overall, it can be seen that there was no
alteration in rank (as in?) in the given data and all three London Museums’ figures were
increased from August to September.
Score: 6 Comment: 전반적으로 좋은 내용이나 너무 많은 내용을 한 문장에 넣으시는 것 같습니다. 그렇기 때문에 내용 정리가 덜 된것 처럼 보입니다. 그리고 글을 굳이 저렇게 많이 띄어서 안쓰고 한 단락으로 만드시는게 더 좋을거같습니다. 한 문장인데도 단락이 많으니 내용이 따로 따로 노는거 같습니다. |