▶ Your Answer :
In these days Today, our society experiences huge improved technology. Naturally, many problems arise from this improvement. In particular, air pollution and traffic jam problems are one of them is important. So Some people say that uprising the price of fuel is the a good way to solve problems. <(thesis가 안보이는 introduction 입니다. Technology를 이야기하시다가 왜 fuel가 나오는지도 모르겠습니다)
First of all, increasing the fee of fuel is a good method to reduceing traffic.<(두 문장을 붙여 주시는게 좋습니다. 또한 문장을 Because으로 시작하는건 좋지 않습니다)> Because fuel is an essential material to useing a car. SoThus, if fuel prices go up, people are reluctant in using a car.<(why? 가격이 올라간다고 해서 무작정 사람들이 차를 쓰지않지는 않을것같습니다. 그렇기 때문에 그 이유를 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.) (문장을 conjunction으로 시작하는건 좋지 않습니다) And this can lead to not only solving traffic problems and but air pollution problems too. Because car emission CO2 which is one of the green house gases.<(??? 문장의 의도를 모르겠습니다) It is the most serious factor that contributes thing to air pollution. So I think that increasing the price of fuel is good method to resolve these problems. <(concluding sentence를 topic sentence을 사용하시기 보다 저네 문단을 summarize 하는씩으로 수정을 하시는게 좋을 것 같습니다) However, there are diverse ways to resolve these problems. I argue that good way is upgrading the public transportation is a better method. Some people have said that our<(who is our?) public transportation is less convenient and efficient than a car. People used a cars due to this opinion. If the subway and bus transportation systems line of subway and system of bus are improved, people more would more likely to used public transportation. And in my country, there are not enough road for bicycles is a little road of bicycle. So people are less not likely to used bicycles. In reality, many developed countries have has well-made roads for of bicycles and it encourages people to use a bicycles to citizen. Bicycle is a good way not only to resolve problems but also and enhanceing a health of people. And in this era of mechanization, fuel is an essential resource material to society. So as the price of fuel is goes up, many people suffer from having to spend more arising from difficultly use a fuel to expensive it price. In conclusion, I do not agree increasing the price because there are plenty way to resolve the problems. <(need work on conclusion)
Score: 4 Comment: 전체적으로 문법이랑 어순이 너무 많이 틀리십니다. 조금더 문장 쓰는법을 공부하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 다음에는 꼭 질문도 함께 올려주세요. Introduction에 주장이 없습니다. Conclusion에 주장을 쓰셨는데 conclusion을 한줄로 끝낼수는 없고 주장만 간단하게 쓰셔도 좋은 방법이 아닙니다. Body paragraph 도 두쪽다 찬성을 하는 것 처럼 보입니다. Choice of words도 많이 informal 합니다. 조금더 formal한 표현들을 공부하시는 것을 추천 합니다. |