▶ Your Answer :
Using gasoline not only makes humans’ life
more convenient also, but it also brings traffic and pollution problems. Lots of<(informal) Many people
argue that increasing the price of gasoline is the best way to solve these
problems. In my point of view, there are better methods instead of increasing
the price of patrol.
People, who think making the price higher
is the best way to solve the problems, believe increasing the price will
decrease the number of people who are using cars, so the problems will be solved. I disagree that higher prices of petrol can
solve growing traffic and pollution problems, <내용이 잘 논리적으로 연결이 되지않습니다. social polarization문제가 일어난다해도 이것이 왜 growing traffic 하고 pollution을 higher gas price가 solve할 수 없는지는 설명해주지 않습니다. 오히려 아예 다른 problem 입니다. 그렇기 때문에 서술을 조금 다르게 해주셔야합니다> because this solving method will
bring social polarization problems. For example, if gasoline is more expensive
than now, only rich people can afford to use gasoline. Therefore, petrol could
be the symbol of the rich people person and could make the social polarization worse
than now.
There are more effective measures for
dealing the problems. Firstly, making more people to use public transportation can help solve for solving the problems. More people using public transportation means less private cars being used lower using their private cars, so it can help to deal with traffic and
pollution problems. For example, if the government gives many lots of advantages to people
who use public transportation, people are willing to use public transportation. Secondly, developing environment-friendly vehicles will be a good measure for
pollution problems. For example, if humans can use solar energy and electronic batteries instead of gasoline, people do not don’t<(formal essay에는 contraction을 쓰지 않습니다) need to use patrol as much as a lot as a fuel.
In conclusion, higher price of petrol is
not the best method for solving traffic and pollution problems. <(need better conclusion. why 라는 질문의 답도 함께 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
Score: 5.5 Comment: 논리적으로 잘 안맞는 내용이 두 번째 문단에 있으십니다. 문법상 informal한 표현을 조금 쓰기고 계십니다. 조금 더 formal한 표현을 써주시면 좋습니다 또한 쓰시는 표현이나 단어가 조금 한정적으로 보입니다. 더 다양한 표현을 공부하시고 쓰시면 더 좋은 에세이가 될 수 있을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 주로 plurality 에 틀리시고 계십니다. 영어는 일반적인 것/명사를 이야기 할때는 주로 plural form입니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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