▶ Your Answer : The majority of people in their early to mid-twenties are under the illogical and stereotypical assumption that learning a foreign language at primary school is better than learning at secondary school. This notion, however, I, however, believe that studying a foreign language at secondary school is more helpful for students because it enables them to prevent health problems and can develop their social skills.
The most important ground for this is that studying a foreign language in secondary school can contribute to relieving stress, which is one of the main causes of physical and mental illness. This is because if students begin to study foreign language at primary school, they will be able to get a great amount of a lot of stress. To For reduce their stress gauge, the school should teach language in second degree (???). For example, a recent study has cofirmed this. according to KMC(Korean Medical center), one of the most renowned medical centers in South Korea, it reported that the level of cortisol-a chemical released by stress-in students who have been studying another language at third school (???), was almost one-third higher than the level as high as that in those who did not involve in such activity. In addition, the same study also noted that excessive amounts of cortisol not only can weaken immune system but also bring about depression, resulting in a shorter life span. In other words, learning another language in primary degree of school enables them to get a lot of stress. (이 내용은 conclusion에 나와야할법한 내용입니다.)>As a result, for their health, learning another language at second school (???) is better. <(두 번쨰 degree는 무엇이고 세 번째, 두 번째 학교는 무엇인지 잘 모르겠습니다)
Score: 4 Comment: 일단 글이 에세이 format가 아닙니다. 에세이는 주로 4~6문단으로 나워주고 Introduction 한 문단, body 2~3 문단, 그리고 마지막으로 conclusion 한 문단을 써주셔야합니다. Composition/organization에 신경을 더 써주셔야합니다. 그리고 글쓴이의 의견을 support할 sub topic은 하나 보다 두개를 써주시는게 좋습니다. 그렇게 되면 body 를 두 문단으로 써주실수 있습니다. 문법상 주로 표현에 틀리시고 계십니다. 또한 a lot of/lots of 같은 경우는 informal하기 때문에 이 표현을 쓰시는 것은 피해주시는게 좋습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |