▶ Your Answer : A growing number of people are interested in studying abroad. Following this, a question has been intriguing many people regarding whether it is beneficial to students or not. Some say that going to school overseas school can allow is that people can to accumulate various types of experience in another countries, whereas others are of the opinion that this is expensive.
To begin with, there are two advantages about oversea studies. If people go to abroad, they are able to study more specifically.<(need to be more clear) Since there are many a lot of experts and books in abroad, they can consult with them about their study. <(who is they and who are them?) Secondly, overseas can learn about foreign languages and cultures.<(해외가 문화와 언어를 배운다 라는 것을 어색한 문장구상입니다. reword하시는 것을 추천합니다) Students can study subjects that they did not obtain knowledge. <(의미 전달이 잘 안되는 문장입니다) Also, they are able broaden perspectives through to have extend overview studying foreign cultures.
However, there are some side effects. Going abroad to study needs a great amount of money. For instance, overseas college's schools cost per is around 50,000,000 won, and then it takes about at least four 4 years to until graduate. This forces their<(who is their?) family to have a heavy a lot of burden. If a student has have a part-time job for earning school cost, as a result, they addition (???), since foreign language studying system is organized well, people can study it without going abroad. <(run on sentence이며 내용이 연결이 안되는 문장입니다. ) Also, they are able to experience or study foreign culture or study through the internet. Therefore, they do not need to go to abroad for studying. <(중간에 갑자기 흐름이 끊기고 다른 주제로 넘어 간 것 처럼 들립니다. 문단 organization이 필요합니다)
Overall, there are some advantages and disadvantages about studying abroad. Some say that going abroad allows their ability to improve, whereas others say that this<(what is this?) can be experienced without going overseas can do in domestic.
Score: 5 Comment: 전체적으로 문법에 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법이 틀리는 곳이 많기 때문에 일부 표현이 어색하게 들리고 의미 전달이 안되는 문장들도 있습니다. 또한 specificity에 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그리고 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |