▶ Your Answer : There are many revolutionized (revolutionized what? 명사가 와야할 자리입니다) in the workplace from technological advances. And some machines could even make us more comfortable such as a printer, computer, and photocopier. Therefore So that, many workers are replaced with machines these days. It causes unemployment. In following the paragraphs, I will discuss both views and state my personal opinion. <(discuss both views질문이 아니고 오로지 글쓴이가 위 주제에 대해 어느정도 찬성하고 반대하는지 물어 보고 있습니다. 그렇기 때문에 thesis statement은 글쓴이의 주장이어야하마 body내용은 글쓴이의 주장을 support/reasoning을 해줘야하는 내용이어야합니다.) It is an undeniable fact that the rate of unemployment rose due to by technology. There are kinds of labour-saving machines and time-saving machines which are more effective than human beings such as automatic checkout counters in the supermarket. From these points, many unskilled workers lost their job. For example, one of my friends worked in the iron factory. One day, the that owner bought a more effective machine due to saving labour fees. Afterwards So that, my friend lost his a job and studied again to get a job. On the other hand, there are some obvious reasons for unemployment, It is also due to the fact that there are enormous newly created jobs in modern society such as programmers and so on.<need better coherence> All the technology is made by a human. <(Need to be more complete) Furthermore, only humans can manage and repair that technology. Although technology is the source of unemployment, it is not all the only reason for people losing their jobs. We faced a huge global economic crisis. Indeed, people cannot easily get a job because of easily result from the economic crisis. However, the idea that That think which technology has a negative effect on unemployment is micro-perspective. In my opinion, I agree that technologies have certain demerits, I cannot agree that technology is the cause of all the reason of unemployment.
Score: 5 Comment: 주료 고쳐드린 문법에 신경을 써주시면 될 것 같습니다. 또한 cohesion에 신경을 조금 더 써주시고 더 다양한 표현을 써주셔야합니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |