▶ Your Answer :
Our modern societies are becoming more
competitive and even dangerous. This is the reason why many people are keep
trying to learn and gain new knowledge. Some essential skills are required to survive
and to be an outstanding person. This essay will going to outline some essential skills
with obvious reasons.
It goes without saying that a second
foreign language became one of the most important skill to succeed in a modern
society. Firstly, it gives people a better chance to achieve a higher income or profit
if they are able to use a second language without any hassles. This is because the whole world is becoming just like one country due to the technology development, and
every single country has their own languages. This is the reason why a the
second language could be beneficial. Secondly, language skills offers better opportunity to find jobs because many companies are working with foreign companies.
Therefore, it is obvious that employers have a preference to choose people who
have a various language skills. (Need better transition)
In spite of the fact that there are many
protection goods <(?) are available publicly, the a number of crimes is
increasing day by day. Therefore, it would be greatly beneficial if some self-defending
skills can be acquired. We often see some news from the media that report some
tragedies. In particular Especially, crimes in these days aim at women and younger people
because they are much weaker than men, and because they often carry some expensive stuff
such as high priced bags and jewelries. Although self-defense skills does not guarantee for a perfect protection, but it at least gives a some chance to escape or protect
themselves from its dangerous conditions at least. To sum up, personally, self-defense skills should be one which we have to learn for protecting ourselves from risky situations. This is because modern society is getting more dangerous. Additionally, it is an obvious fact that we will face with many difficulties and obstacles during our whole life period but with suggested skills, we will have a better chance to survive from its competition. <(can improve. self defense skills에 대해서만 서술을 해주신 것 처럼 들리는 conclusion입니다)
Score: 6 Comment: Tasks를 fully satisfy해주시지 않았습니다. 글쓴이가 생각하시는 제일 중요한 skills를 잘 서술 해주셨지만 먼저 일반적으로 modern society에 필요 하다고 생각하는 skills도 서술을 해주셨어야합니다. 문법상 표현과 단어형태에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. To 부정사에는 명사형태가 아닌 동사 형태의 단어가 와야합니다. 또한 some이라는 표현을 너무 자주 쓰시는 것 같습니다. "Some" 사용을 최대한 줄여주시거나 다른 표현을 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨씁니다. |