▶ Your Answer : The given bar graph presents the figures for the used amount of time to call in the UK from 1995 to 2002 in that time. <(3개의 call type가 있다는 것을 전달을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) It is true that the local-fixed line had the most minutes called out of all the call types is biggest call type of them. Overall, those three types had tent to seem to be similar in 2002. <(unclear) However, the amount of national and international line and Mobile calls continued to increase were keeping incresing unlike declining Local line calls which began to decline halfway through the period by 20 and around 40 percent, respectively. <(specific한 data는 overall 내용 보다는 그 다음 내용을 전다을 해주시면은 더 좋습니다) When it comes to local line, it shows an increasing from 1995. The year that season recorded a the highest amount of time was 1999. However, since 1999, it started to decrease to around 70 billion minutes by the end of the research period <(또는 원점으로 돌아갔다고도 전달을 해주실 수 있습니다). <(Need more numerical data/be more specific) In terms of national and international line and mobiles, those were rising during these times. The national and international line was steadily inclining to approximately 61 billion minutes 20 percent for 7 years. Whereas, mobiles had gone up slightly until 1998 and it boomed considerably from 1999 to 2002. <(Need more numerical data)
Score: 5.5 Comment: 마지막 두 문단에 trend 외에 그 내용을 support 해주는 numerical data가 더 필요합니다. 또한 내용을 조금 더 비교를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 문장구조 와 표현에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 그래프는 percentage가 아닌 minutes( in billions) 으로 계산이 됩니다. Units에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |