▶ Your Answer :
The given diagrams give information on and projections of the ages of Yemen and Italy in between 2000 and 2050. Overall, the percentage of ages in Yemen is predicted that the middle generation would rise as the highest ratio in 2050. Along with this, in Italy’s middle generation is expected to be the largest part at that moment as well., thus two countries’ percentage of ages tend to seem similar structures each other. First of all, in 2000, the diagram about ratio of Yemen’s ages represents that the middle ages and older ages were almost similar. However, the middle is considered to increase by to around 11 percent in 2050. Hence, this ratio will be the largest group in the Yemen by then. <(Numerical data support를 조금 더 전달을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 age 15-59 years group가 11% increase 한것이 이 그룹이 largest ratio가 됬다고 설명을 해주지는 않습니다. 그 반면에 60+ age group는 decrease했다는 점도 전달을 해주셔야합니다) On the contrary, diagrams of Italy’s ages proportions shows middle generations would be still be the biggest group in 2050 by only 4 percent compared to older people’s percentage. Nevertheless, the ratio of the older is thought to grow by to almost 20% in the future. <(Again. need more numerical data support)
Score: 5.5 Comment: Specific 한 numerical data를 전달을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 to ~%는 그 percentage가 됬다고 전달이 되지 그만큼 더 increase했다고 전달을 해주지는 않습니다. 원래 percentage에서 얼만큼 더 increase 했는지를 전달해주실려면 by 라는 전치사를 써주셔야합니다. 또한 middle generation/old generation는 good substitute/reference이지만 그 전에 그 age group에 포함이 되는 ages를 전달을 해주셔야합니다. 문법상 문장구조/어순에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 비교를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |