▶ Your Answer :
Over the recent decades, the obesity is a
growing concern for most of countries, which has overtaken the poverty issues.
This issue has risen by the combination of multiple reasons but among those
reasons, the main cause can be stated that, the increasing usage of chemical
substances in the foods that create imbalance eating habits. This essay will
discuss <(discuss what?) with a possible solution for each reason.
There is an increasing population in
obesity, due to several factors. First and foremost, the development of the
ways<(ways of what?) including the artificial and stimulative flavours within the foods can
cause people which is resulting in to feeling hungry. The craving for foods is
creating an imbalanced eating habits and that can result in addictions for chemical
flavours. The combination of the comfortable lifestyle with this addiction can be
leading people to perform less exercises. <(왜 사람들이 over-eat 하는게 아니라 왜 사람들이 비만인지 서술을 해주신 것 같습니다. Topic sentence와 conclusion 그리고 문단의 내용에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그리고 reasons를 물어보는 만큼 2개 이상의 이유를 주셔야 task를 더 fully satisfy 하실 수 있습니다)
The government can take a leading role in
order to solve this issue of obesity. Monitoring on the use of artificial and
stimulative flavours by catering industries can reduce a the certain level of
unhealthy substance consumptions. Furthermore, the government can impose an
education campaign of eating healthy diet. Educating the citizens about the
importance of healthy meals and adequate eating habits, would be enlightened their for own eating habits.
In conclusion, even though there are
several factors that contribute people to become obese, the development of
chemical substances are the main reasons causing people to become obese for become obesity. The
various government's programmes can solve various issues for obesity which
could cause addiction for unhealthy food and having inadequate eating habits.
Score: 4.5 Comment: 질문을 잘 답해주고 있지 않습니다. 질문의 주제는 비만이 아니라 너무 많이 먹는 것입니다. Obesity 와 over-eating은 서로 관련이 있지만 다른 주제입니다. 조금 더 질문의 이해하시는데 연습을 하시면 좋을 거 같습니다. 만약에 질문이 obesity에 대해 물어보고 있었다면 이 에세이의 내용이 좋습니다. 하지만 이유는 2개이상 서술을 해주시면 더 좋습니다. 또한 문법상 표현/문장구조/article 활용/collocation/수동태 활용/specificity에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |