▶ Your Answer : There is an argument about the relevance between equality and individual freedom and the relationship it has which would lead to success and personal achievement. Personally, I agree that equal society has a huge effect on a person’s accomplishment more than anything. It is true that some believe that feeling free from the merits of personal success affect their individual performances. The reason is this tends to mainly related to trying to working hard and learning great skills. For example, promotion is a result of in hard work and not because of the close relationship with the boss. In addition, people are able to handle and beat their competitors without hesitation because they concentrate on building their abilities. Along with this, they generally keep on improving their knowledge and skills. <(글쓴이의 의견을 묻는 질문에 다른 사람이 생각하는 내용을 서술을 해주시면 좋지 않습니다. Conclusion을 보면 위 내용도 글쓴이는 어느정도 agree하시는 것 같습니다. 그렇다면 some believe라는 표현 보다는 그저 어느정도 사실이다 라고 전달을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.) However, I think there is a more suitable possibility for personal accomplishment according to benefits of equal society. Firstly, there must be an equal opportunity for everyone, thus it would encourage them to do their best for what they want. Furthermore, they also would not recognize discrimination in any form like an education, gender, family background and the likes. Therefore, it is easy to excel them because any restriction would not disturb people in doing whatever for improving themselves. It means a pregnant woman can be as good as a newly graduated young man in presenting a project to a client, for instance. In conclusion, it is clear being free about individual profit have effect on personal accomplishment. On the other hand, in my view, coordination in society have a bigger more huge impact on individual accomplishment.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 글쓴이의 의견을 묻고 있는 질문이기 때문에 다른 사람의 의견이나 다른 사람의 의견을 드러내는 some believe같은 표현을 안써주시는게 좋습니다. 문법상 collocation/article 사용/그리고 silly mistakes에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |