▶ Your Answer :
There are diverse opinions on the proportion
of imposing an effect generated by family members and surrounding environment to the development of children. In my opinion, both family members and surrounding environment
are important to children’s development. Thus, the two-track approach can be a sensible way of developing children's possibility.
In terms of family members, it is impossible for us
to dismiss the family influence on the child's development. The way the parents
talk, act, and think can be the great models/examples for the child. <두 문장의 위치를 바꿔주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다> Because of children's
nature, in the developmental period of young children, they are naturally following
their parents as their role model roll-model. Thus, the inspiring discussion between
family members, a polite and gentle way of behavior, right and sensible way of
life can hugely be beneficial to the development of a child.
When it comes to the surrounding
environment, it is also very important. There is a famous story in eastern culture
that, the a great philosopher’s mother moved three times to provide her son a
better environment to become a great man. Like this, children are
developing their ability and character through the communication with the
people, culture, and society where he/she lives. The joyful neighborhood, a big
and well managed library, the clean and lively nature, and a decent home are easy to
be recognized as proper surroundings for the development of children. And with
a high possibility, that recognition will be true for many cases.
In conclusion, there is no profit of
discern <(unclear) which one comes first, family members, or surrounding environment. Both
the family members and a surrounding environment are crucially important due to
the reason that they cannot be separated in reality. The good family members will provide a the nice environment for the development of their children. Thus, if we are
willing to encourage our children to be developed well, we should be a nice
family member while providing a great environment as a ‘nice family member’. <(내용을 조금 더 summarize 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
Score: 7 Comment: 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 문법상 article 사용과 문맥에 맞는 단어형태에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 마지막으로 첨삭이 너무 많이 늦어서 죄송합니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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