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These days, as companies can sell their products everywhere in the world, most countries are becoming more and more similar. These phenomenon could negatively affect a negative effect to countries’ identities and economy.
First of all, many countries will lose their own identity of their nation. This is because some particular products represents are represented the countries characteristic. Those special goods are sometimes used as by a symbol of their country. For example, just a few years ago, people could can only buy a magnet featuring their own countries flag. <(few years ago 라는 표현과 다른 나라의 국기가 있는 자석을 왜 살수 없는지 설명을 해주시지 않았기 때문에 크게 persuasive 하게 들리지 않습니다. 몇년 전에도 다른 나라의 국기가 있는 자석을 살수 있었다고 생각을 합니다. 또한 한 나라의 국기가 있는 물건을 다른 나라에서 판다고 해도 그 나라를 아직도 대표/상징 하기 때문에 다른 나라에 판다고 해서 identity가 없어진다고 생각하지는 않습니다.) buy a magnet featured a country’s flag , from a country whom uses those flag. As time goes on, however, people were able to can consume any form of flag magnets anywhere in the world. <Need better coherence> A product’s scarcity <(다른 나라에 제품을 팔게 되면 scarce한게 아니라 오히려 제품량이 더 많아질거라고 생각을 합니다) is disappeared. Therefore, this is evident that countries are losing lost their identities and becoming more and more similar, because people are able to get products that represented a country’s specific features, anywhere in the world.
Moreover, it becomes to affect to the countries’ economy. This is because people do not need to go to another country to buy what they want as products are sold in anywhere even their home town. It affects countries the travel business which usually prevails most countries’ income. According to a recent research from the USA, visitors are significantly decreased in Disney park, as Disney company has built theme parks in several locations in the other countries. Tourists do not want to spend their money in other countries if they could get the same experience or products from their country. Thus, it is apparent that people can do or buy the same services of products, which affects a negatively impact to countries’ economy.
To conclude, I insist that becoming more and more similar with other countries is a detrimental phenomenon to most countries. It does is not only cause for losing their nations’ identities to be lost, but also can cause for being able to affect an economic crisis.
Score: 6 Comment: 잘 서술을 해주셨으나 두 번째 문단의 예시가 크게 persuasive하게 들리지 않습니다. 몇년 전에도 다른 나라의 국기가 있는 자석을 살수 있었다고 생각을 합니다. 표현을 조금 바꿔주시거나 설명을 더 해주시거나 다른 예시로 수정을 하는 것을 추천합니다. 문법상 틀리는 곳이 많습니다. 문장구조/표현/수식어/verb phrase&form/plurality/collocation/수동태 활용/에 조금 더 신경을 써쥐면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트라 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 마지막으로 첨삭이 너무 많이 늦어서 죄송합니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |