▶ Your Answer :
In the past, the people's weight and
fitness were not be the concern, because they were suffered from insufficient
food resources. As the society develops to become economically stable stabled, the
average weight and the fitness become a rising issue. Despite the several
factors causing this issue, the primary reason could be the development of
society. To solve this, each party can be dealt at different levels.
There are several reasons for increasing
weights of people every year. This can be caused by The major reason can be the development of society.
Since the society develops into a fast moving society which can lead to
changing changes people's eating habit. This fast moving society has influenced
people's lifestyles to change rapidly. These rushing lifestyles can form rapid
eating habits of eating in a hurry and lack of exercising time, times, so that becomes a part of roles of which brings about a lot of population's obesity. To meet this demand, In addition, a number of the numbers of restaurants produce
fast foods and those are very unhealthy because inclusive of massive artificial
substances. These changes in eating habits and eating unhealthy foods could be
the result of fast moving society and which it led can lead to increasing obesity in some countries. the country.
Fortunately, there are several ways to solve this issue
and , which can be dealt separately. To start with, individuals should be aware of the consequences for being obese, and can maintain healthy diets with having
regular exercises. For the catering business, it is important to let the
consumers know the contents of the foods as well as the effects of those. So,
individuals can have full information on what they eat and they can make a
judgment on eating junk foods or not. Lastly, the government can restrict the
use of artificial substances and unhealthy food contents within junk foods.
Also, the government can educate the citizens about the importance of healthy
diets. Therefore, each separate approach is needed in order to solve the
world's obesity issues.
In conclusion, the increasing obesity rates
around the world are becoming an issue and there are several reasons for it.
The development of society has impacted on people's eating habit and it which can
be solved differently by each party.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 5.5 modest user
비만률 증가의 원인이나 해결책을 잘 제시한 글입니다. 하지만 본론1은 너무 반복되는 표현이 많아서 논리까지 약해 보이는 단점이 있습니다. 같은 내용을 반복적으로 쓰거나 똑같은 표현을 계속 쓰는 것은 지양해야 합니다. which 사용에 있어서 문법오류가 있으니 체크해주세요. 수고하셨습니다~! 아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현
- GR(Grammartical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성
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