The idea of the effect of music has always been
a subject of debate. Some people think that music is a bad way for different people
to be together. However, I believe that music can be positive way to interaction
of different kinds of people for main two reasons: sharing their own feelings each
other and making party with same interest. (문화, 그리고 나이대라는 표현을 반드시 넣어주셔야 합니다. 그게 논제의 핵심입니다.)
First of all, music may help people to
share their own feelings with each other while listening it together. To be
specific, each person has each mind of many different kinds of music. However, we
can talk about our feelings to others about some music, then easily understand
and accept different think in our mind. (((()))) 여기와 밑의 초록 부분에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드릴게요.) My personal experience is a good example,
I and my mother and I have a big gap of generation. One day, my mother recommended me
a one old song and at the first I did not like it because it sounded quite like country music. However she explained the me a underlying meaning and how she felt
about that song, and I finally understood that music and it became my favorite
song. Consequently, music let people from different cultures and ages interact
together just ineasy way.
Moreover, people can create same interest
with unknown parties. It is evident that, if we have favorite singer or song,
we look for the singer’s fan club or café where can we talk about our favorites.
In that club, no one cares where a member from, how old is he/she or even gender.
They just have same interest and it help them to be friends, not caring about
who is he/she. This clearly shows that, it is very easy to close with others if
people have same interest of music.
In conclusion, we can share our own
feelings and make a group of same interest with others by just listening to the
music. For these reasons, I firmly believe that music is a good way of
attracting people together from different cultures and ages.
총평: (5/6/6/5) 5.5
논제가 100% 반영된 상태가 아니기 때문에, 내용 관련해서는 꽤나 수정이 필요합니다. 현재 논제의 핵심은 다양한 문화/나이대인데, 글 전반적으로 그러한 부분이 그렇게 말끔하게 반영된 것은 아니고, 그냥 음악 자체가 일반적으로 다양한 사람들을 묶는데에 도움이 된다~쪽으로만 써있습니다. 대표적으로 본론 두 번째 문단 전부가 이에 해당되고요. 또한 파란 부분을 기점으로 그 이전 부분 역시 마찬가지입니다. 파란 부분 이후의 예시는 나이대라는 측면을 잘 반영하고 있지만, 그게 예시로 그쳐서는 안 되고, 아예 문단의 시작부터 '나이대' 로만 한정해서 들어갈 수 있어야 해요.
즉, 수정하실 때 본론1은 나이대, 본론2는 문화권으로 한정지어주시고, 지금처럼 일반적인 음악에 대해 폭넓게 적지 않도록 해주세요! 수고하셨습니다 :)
목표점수 6.0
다음 시험 예정 1월 15일
이전 점수 12월 1일에 보고 5.5
시간재고 도움없이 작성했습니다