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In this world, there are over three hundreds >> hundreds는 수백이란 표현입니다 three hundred라고 해주세요 of
countries and they have similar or totally different social and government
systems. Of course, there is no such a perfect society and every country does not have the same quality of society. As a result, in every year, tons of
people emmigrate to other countries which they think better. So >> so but also or and 는 문두에 쓸 수 없는 접속사입니다 참고해주세요 so 대신 Therefore, 혹은 Thus, 등을 써주세요, what makes people move to other areas >> other 다음은 복수명사입니다 and
which qualities are crucial elements for the perfect society? In this essay, I
want to will give few important prerequisite>> 미리 준비해야하는 중요한 것이라는 표현의 느낌이 강합니다 points 나 arguements 가 어떨까 싶습니다 to be a perfect society people want.
First of all, I
strongly believe that safety must >>should must는 굉장히 강한 의미입니다 법률 등에 의해 금지된 사항들에 쓰는 강력한 표현입니다 should가 좋으며 should 든 must든 뒤에 동사는 원형이 와야 하는 점 주의해주시기 바랍니다 comes first. >> 콤마가 아닌 마침표를 찍어주세요 If a country has a security problem,
people will live in be surrounded by scare and want to leave the place. For example, in the last few years, >> 전치사구가 중간에 와서 콤마가 앞 뒤 모두 필요합니다 we have
seen the wars and conflicts among the Middle East countries and
many people still die every day, >> 역시 콤마가 필요합니다 because of the protests or violent >> 뒤에 명사를 꾸며주는 형용사를 써주세요 fights >> 어떤 저항이나 싸움인지 모르므로 the를 쓰는 것은 적절치 않다고 판단됩니다.
Therefore, many people think the area is dangerous and do not want to live in
the area any more >> 붙여주세요 anymore.
In the next,
transparency and upright of the >> government는 항상 the 혹은 -s 의 복수형으로 써주세요 government are very important. Even if the country has plenty of
natural resources, people cannot live comfortable and fair life under the collapsed
government. In reality, many poor countries have abundant natural resources, >> 접속사 앞 콤마 넣어주세요 but
only few percentages of people who have powers enjoy the advantages.
In the last Lastly, reasonable
rewards >> 가산명사의 경우 관사나 복수형을 만들어주세요 should be paid for the work. The gap between rich and poor can make
people feel a great sense of loss. If few rich people have most of richness wealth >> rich의 어감의 단어가 많이 나와 바꿨습니다 of
a >> 특정한 나라가 아니라 the 가 아닌 a 를 썼습니다 country, most of other people have to share the few and limited wealth>> resources가 어휘력을 보여주는데 좋을 듯 싶습니다. According
to this fact, most of >> most of people은 어떤 범위 내에 있는 사람들을 말하는 한정시키는 표현입니다 people can be treated unfairly and suffered from few rich
people’s sake.
To sum up my opinion, I think the
top priorities to make a perfect society are safety, honesty of the government and
reasonable rewards for the work. Making a perfect society is the goal for the humanity. Even if we are not living in the perfect world,>> 절이 끝나면 콤마를 해주세요 I
believe the human race can make the dream come true someday in the near future.
문법적 오류가 꽤 보입니다 하지만 간단한 것들이기에 충분히 빠르게 극복할 수 있으리라 봅니다 문법만 어느정도 보완된다면 점수에 변화가 생길 것으로 예상됩니다 에세이에선 문단은 최대 4개까지만 나눠주세요 수일치도 중요하게 봐주시길 바랍니다 관사를 유심히 봐주세요 If 절을 한 두개만 빼주세요 많은 감이 있습니다 다양한 문법 구조를 보여주세요 Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammartical Range and Accuracy - 5 5.5 예상하지만 문법 보완이 있다면 6.0 받으실 수 있다고 봅니다
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