▶ Your Answer :
These days, there
is a trend that the number of people working at home increases. This is because
the degree of technology development is very high. Some people believe that working
at home is an opportunity to a company, especially to owners and managers, while others
claims that changes in working place does not affect positively the employer’s benefits
positively. This essay will discuss the reason why I disagree with the latter’s
view. First of all, a
person, who has a manager position is a manager, can reduce diverse cost and operation costs
such as electricity, water, security, and so on. He or she no longer considers to
different fixed cost.>> variable cost를 줄인다고해서 fixed cost에 부담을 느끼지 않는다고 말할 수 있을까요? According to the newspaper articles, I ever saw the example
of a publishing company which achieved cost reduction. The figure decreased by about
30% than before. The company could get a big success reinvesting the surplus
value to a new project. 어떤 부분에서 cost reduction이 있었는지 등에 대한 정보가 전혀 없네요 또한 위에 내용은 추측성에 근거하므로 적절한 논리가 아닙니다 Second, employees
can generate a more values through creative thinking thinking creatively or working at home. Working at
anywhere except for workplace can give them relax and calm mind, except for workplace. If an employer
can suggests them a clearer goal concerned with a certain project, employees can
conduct them with rest of mind>> 무슨 뜻인지 잘 모르겠습니다, which contribute to working and new thinking
creatively. When I worked at army as an officer, a commander required to submit
reports for ways of improving efficiency in the organization. In the end, I
could write a good report because I could stay freely at home in limited time
without any control or invention>> 어떤 지배나 창안없이는 발이 이상하네요. These methods are new approaches to my director.
In conclusion,
there are a lot of advantages in working at home. The more technologies
develop, the more advantages increase continuously. I believe that the merits
of working at home overwhelm disadvantages of it.>> the 비교급 the 비교급을 사용하실 땐 주의해주세요 사용에 오류가 날 가능성이 많고 엄연히 정상적인 어순은 아닐 뿐더러 문법적으로 좋다고 할 수 없게 일상생활에서 주로 쓰이는 표현이죠 저도 써서 지적받은 기억이 있어 말씀드립니다
우선 빨간 표시들 잘 봐주시구요 다양한 어휘를 사용해주시기 바랍니다 보시면 비슷한 어휘 혹은 문법이 많이 사용됩니다 결론에서가 가장 잘 보이네요
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.5 예상합니다
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