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In this society, costs for educating children are getting more and more increasingly >> more and more도 괜찮지만 써드린 표현이 더 좋습니다 또한 get 동사는 웬만하면 피해주세요 expensive. Parents should spend a huge amount of money for it, and it has become one of the main social issues. Regarding this, different opinions are divided over the government should financially to support for children's education. Although some people say that there are some disadvantages, I strongly believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
First and foremost, all children have to obtain the equal right for education. If the poorer children could have fewer educational opportunities than the others because their parents were not able to bear all costs for their education, it means another inequality for innocent children >> 어떤 말인가요?. Most of >> of 는 정확하게 한정을 시키는 역할을 합니다 opportunities for high-income jobs are opened to the people who are well >>가운데 - 빼주세요educated, so it can make another wealth polarization in the next generation.
On the other hand, some people may argue that the educational environment would be hardly improved, if the government covers expenses for child education. It is objectively reasonable because that expensive educational cost encourages the educational institutions to compete each other. so >> 문장이 길어서 끊어드렸습니다 Therefore, that the educational environment can be improved through this competition. However, it can be resolved through the governments’ effective regulations or programmes to motivate the institutions to improve themselves. For instance, governments in Germany and the Netherlands have been paying entire costs for educating their children. Significantly, the educational institutions in these two countries are well known as their world-class educational environments. Overall, I firmly believe that one of the key roles of the government should be to minimize the gap between the rich and the poor. In this context, governmental financial aids for educating children are a must to make a better world.>> 문장이 이해가 안 가네요 Even though some worries it may interrupt virtuous competition among the educational institutions, effective regulations and governmental programmes can resolve this problem, even more to motivate them to make better educational conditions.
문장을 어떻게 고쳐드려야 할 지 정확한 뜻을 파악해내지 못해서 못 고쳐드렸습니다 혼란스러운 문장이 몇개 있었습니다 위에 표시 해드렸구요 다양한 단어와 다양한 문법 등 구사해주시길 바라며 좀 더 논리 정연하게 쓰셨으면 더욱 좋겠습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5 5.5 예상합니다 |