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Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crimes. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Extending the imprisonment of criminals
has been a debatable issue for a long time. There are a lot of arguments
supporting both views, those for and those against those for and against views on making the sentences longer prison sentences than the law in force.
Regarding this issue, I think it is important to discuss both views in order to
reach a foolproof >> 가운데 대쉬가 들어가지 않습니다 decision.>> I think 의 표현은 좋지 않습니다 I argue I maintain I will ~ 등의 표현이 좋습니다
On the one hand >> 어떤 의견이 나오고 반대의 답을 말할 때 어울립니다 To begin with 이 좋을 듯 싶네요, having culprits
convicted with a given crime by an extended confinement can bring a positive impact on
cutting the criminal rate, through minimizing the number of crimes committed.
It is true that criminals, who is being held liable to crimes, are frequently monitored
and detained. Of these they are living under the system of regulation and
moderation, enabling them to learn a social principle practiced from others.
However, potential risks related to a prolonged imprisonment should be
seriously discussed seriously for any benefit and harm imposed on the society.
For an example, there is an associated
danger of criminals sharing more information of crimes as they stay longer in
the prison. This is a realistic matter detected from guards concerning the
collective unit of prisoners and their idea of sharing violence, through a
meeting casually held in prisons >> 문장이 너무 길어 끊는 것이 좋으며 문장 내에 동사가 없습니다. This can cause a complex crime through having actively
criminals actively associated with prisons, while they stay longer>> 보통 아카데믹에선 비교급이 있으면 than이 나와주어야 합니다. According to
this, it becomes clear that extending their staying in a jail will not ultimately
solve ultimately the problem but create a larger social problem in the future.
Alternatively, education given on behalf
of prisoners should be reinforced and systematized to get make >> get 동사는 좋지 않습니다 them enlightened and
assimilated into the society. Moreover, a better chance of employment chance should be
discussed in order to steer them to a right direction of living, which will
ultimately prevent them from committing crimes again.
Subsequent to mulling over this, I have
finally grasped that there will be a potential damage through extending the
prison sentences. Apart from this inactive approach, the positive action on
making a commitment to change criminals’ behaviours by thinking should be
encouraged and maintained in order to lower the criminal rate.
글의 수준이 꽤 높아 보입니다 여러 문법을 다양하게 구사하셨구요 단어도 굉장히 좋네요
정말 잘 쓰셨습니다 문단은 4개 정도로만 만들어주시면 좋겠습니다 또한 글자수가 부족하단 점에서 아쉽네요
Task Achievement - 7
Coherence and Cohesion - 7
Lexical Resource - 8
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 7
7.0예상합니다