▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, no one would argue that an impact of computers on mankind, >> 어떤 impact죠 ? making our life more convenient and richer. Yet, it sometimes lead serious problems when it comes with teenagers since they spend too much time on this new technological device 10대들이 데스크탑이나 랩탑에 엄청난 시간을 소비하고 있고 이게 많은 건강상의 문제를 일으키고 있다 나는 이 statement에 동의한다 with my views. I agree the above statement, in this essay, I insist my opinion with illustrations grounds to support it.
First of all, some people believe that computers are useful to educate the teens by using useful websites. Many teenagers acquire easily >> get동사 피해주시고 부사는 동사 뒤에서 수식합니다 various virtual experiences from the Internet >> Internet은 대문자 I 입니다. For example, such as ABC and EBS (Educational broadcast in Korea) tell provide that teenagers with some educational resources. It is no doubt that the development of computers has changed the method of education, and in many schools, computers are used broadly for their young students.
On the other hand, computers have negative aspects as well. The most common things that teenagers spend on their spare time is computer games. Compare with could make serious physical problems like obesity in adolescent.
On top of that, mental problems also are also caused by computers. The young students, who are not enough mature to judge which the right thing is is right or wrong, are easily exposed to harmful medias such as violent films. Futhermore, because of the easiest way to contact with their friends, the messenger programs, they no longer take the troubles to meet them face to face, which makes their social skills weak. According to a recently research conducted by the United Kindom, communication skills of adults' age between age 20 and 30 are highly related to how much time they spent on computer messengers and SNS (Social Network Service) when they were the in their teens. >> 밑줄 부분 빼주세요 furthermore는 다른 주장을 나타내는 부사입니다
In conclusion, although both aspects have acceptable points in deciding whether computers cause to a severe problems for teenagers, I agree with that computers influence harmful effects more for them than positive ones. Therefore, to minimize the negative effects of computers, it is highly recommended for schools and parents to try to find the ways to use computers usefully and even safely. >> 제대로 된 해결책이 아닙니다 방법을 찾아라 이게 해답이 될 순 없구요 결론에선 이런걸 하는 곳이 아니고 전체 글을 정리하는 곳입니다 서론을 페러프레이즈 하는게 좋습니다
논리가 제대로 이뤄지지 않았습니다 위에 내용에 동의를 했다는 말을 컴퓨터가 악영향을 끼친단건데 정작 본론 구조가 잘 짜여진 것은 컴퓨터의 좋은 점 쪽이네요 그 반대한단 의견은 모두 부실하구요
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.0 예상합니다 |