Some people believe the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individuals and society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Nowadays, some people >> some만 쓰진 말아주세요 insist that helping students to get >> get 동사는 최대한 피해주시는게 좋습니다 high-paying jobs >> high-paying jobs 가 better jobs 인가요? satisfactory jobs 가 더 낫지 않을까 싶네요 is the ultimate objective of university. Others, however, think that both individuals and communities are both able to obtain much broader advantages through college education. In this essay, two different perspectives will be given below.
First of all, university graduates could have more opportunities of working in a favorable environment than those without college degrees. This is mainly because most employers would like to prefer to hire people who can utilize their major acquired in university to work. For example, it is also shown in an article on career fair that graduating from university is basically required to have a well-paid job because companies demand employees having specialized knowledge. Therefore, attending in college is to support students work under much more pleasant surroundings. >> 1. 예시에서 article 내용이나 연구 내용 등에 관한건 좋지 않습니다. 2. 테스크에서 요구한건 좋은 직장을 얻는 데에 이점이 있다/개인 뿐 아니라 사회까지 더 많은 이점이 있다에 대한 내용인데 과연 이게 두 의견의 차이에 적합한 주장일까 싶습니다. 3. better jobs 를 단순히 높은 연봉의 직업에 한정시켜서 서술하지 말아주세요
On the other hand, education offered in from college could have strongly positive influence on both individuals and society. Firstly, >> 내용 삭제해주세요 individuals would be able to discover their aptitude through diverse experiences such as being a member of a club, promoting college>>?? promoting college 가 뭘 의미하죠? , >> 세개 이상 나열 중 마지막 항목 앞의 and/or 앞에는 콤마가 붙습니다 and studying their majors. Secondly, society could be enhanced retaining highly educated people. The chief reason is that intellectuals are significant human resources contributing to the economic growth. >> 제가 누누히 강조하는 본문 하나에 하나의 주장의 틀에서 벗어났습니다 위에 본문1은 구조 괜찮게 지키셨는데 여기선 그렇지 못하네요 Therefore, receiving a collegiate education could make the future of student and community to be greatly improved.
In conclusion, although both positions have their strengths, I absolutely disagree that the purpose of university education helping graduates finds high salary jobs. The reason why I think it is that getting a better job totally depends on a personal ability.
테스크에서 물어보는 개인적 , 개인&사회적 이점에 대해선 서술했지만 전자는 그 범위가 축소됐고 후자는 설명이나 예시 등의 뒷받침 내용들이 부족했습니다 서론에서 better jobs를 만족할만한 직업 정도라고 페러프레이즈하고 본문에서 경제적으로 나은 직업 식으로 진행하면 좋았을텐데 아쉽습니다
Task Achievement - 6
Coherence and Cohesion - 6
Lexical Resource - 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다