▶ Your Answer :
Some experts begin to claim that unpaid
community activities have to be introduced into the regular curriculum (what curriculum?) because
they think that those could provide students with many a lot of benefits that the
existing educational system cannot offer. My perspective is completely compatible
with the opinion since the current educational methods have overlooked many
parts necessary for students. In this essay, I will deal with its positive
sides and suggest my viewpoint on the issue.
First of all, as I mentioned above, the
established educational institutes have concentrated excessively on the aspect
of acquiring theoretical knowledge and entrance into top schools. On the other
hand, it has paid relatively less attention to emotional and social facets. In
this educational circumstance, unpaid social minded activities are an important
alternative to offset the drawbacks of the existing educational structure. For
instance, it could enable young people to raise a sense of empathy and to learn
how to communicate with people with different backgrounds because they would
have a plenty of opportunities to meet various kinds of people and to sympathize
with the pains of others by participating in the community service.
In other words, it would give students
natural chances to assimilate with various sides of the community and be beneficial
for the development of the young’s healthy mentality. Furthermore, the social
service activities could make a big contribution to creating a sound culture ??
such as mutual dependence and solicitude for the poor. Besides, unpaid
community service as an obligatory part of education would be able to offer a
variation to the standardized education, which considers only matriculation
into famous universities as a success. <(sounds repetitive) As a result, high school students could<(could what?) a variety of values and virtues such as sharing, devotion and donation, which
will make our society more and more wholesome, other than rat race and
competition.
From my standpoint, it is clear that unpaid
social service is beneficial for a better community and education. Therefore, I
strongly assert that governments have to institute it as a mandatory part of high
school education. In addition, national institutions should enact a law to
adopt it as an important criterion of admission to universities to promote high
schools and students to take part more actively in the good campaign and to
contribute to a more salubrious society.
Score: 6.5 Comment: body 내용 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 두번째 문단과 세번째 내용이 잘 나눠져 있지 않습니다. 세번째 문단의 내용을 보면, 두번째 문단과 같은 문단으로 나와야 할 내용인것 처럼 들립니다. topic sentence을 정하시면 그 문단의 내용은 topic sentence를 받쳐주셔야합니다. 세번째 문단의 경우는 문장 마다 내용이 다르게 들립니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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