▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays most countries of the world pay
great attention to developing develop health sphere and try to provide all necessary
facilities for better living conditions. Most people consider that out of a
country’s health budget a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to
spending health education and preventative measures. I totally agree with this
statement but before drawing the quick conclusion I think it need to be
discussed.
Firstly, however rapidly the technology is
developing rapidly in all areas especially in health sphere, there are still a
number of diseases which cannot be treated or and their treatment demands more
money, time and great patience. For instance, it is a pity that one of the
widespread reasons of death is lung cancer which is really serious problem
nowadays. In my opinion, government must increase the enlightened measures,
advertisements or educational lectures among residents of the country. 아직 치료되지 못하고 치료비가 많이 드는 병이 많이 있다는 주장은 교육예방에 더 많이 투자해야 한다는 입장과 상충됩니다.
On the other hand, the preventative
measures and health education not only decrease the number of diseases, but also
help government to spend less money, to be more precise, to use the budget more
economically. 돈이 덜 든다는 내용은 '예산의 상당부분을 투자해야 한다'라는 입장을 support할 수 없습니다.
In addition, I want to emphasize the
psychological effect of the health problems on the people., To to say exactly,
people become very anxious and stressed, so as I indicated above obstructive
events also help helps them to keep their mood positive. obstructive events가 의미하는 바가 무언인가요? 예방책과는 개념이 다릅니다. obstructive events가 사람들을 긍정적으로 생각하게 도와준다는 설명도 주제에 맞지 않습니다.
In conclusion, taking account all these
facts stressed above I consider that governments can get better results if they
expend a large amount of their health budget from treatment to spending on
health education.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 4.5 limited user
서론이 본론문단보다 양이 많습니다. 본론 분량을 더 늘려서 글의 균형을 맞춰주세요. 치료에 들이는 것보다 예방과 교육 등에 더 돈을 써야 한다는 입장을 뒷받침하기에 아직 논리가 불충분합니다. 설득력을 갖춘 논리로 내용을 더 만들어주세요. 주제를 벗어난 내용들은 삭제해주세요. 수고하셨습니다! 아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현 - GR(Grammartical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성 |