Some people believe that the family has greater influence in child's development. Others believe that other influences (TV, friends, music and so on)
What could be the reason for this? What solutions can help address this problem?
It is a common belief that the family affects greatly in their child's growth and development. Meanwhile, others believe While, many kinds of media have been becoming the most affective factor to children. This essay will deal with both views and I will suggest my own opinion.
From the past, until now, family is the greatest influence effective part to their child. This is because they usually spend the longest time with their child when they are young. Initially, people tend to resemble others who are spending a lot of times with them. Thus, children are likely to pretend like their parents or other family members. In other words, children's behaviors are related to other certain family members' behaviors. Therefore, family has an enormous influence to their children. (여기는 사실 문단 초반부에 이미 했던 말을 그대로 적는 것에 불과하기 때문에, 분량 채우기에 지나지 않습니다. 이런 문장을 쓰지 말라는 건 아닌데, 쓰더라도 그 이전에 앞의 내용들에 대한 상세한 설명들이 더 이루어져야해요.)
Of course, family members can affect child in their house. However, children these days usually spend most of their time nearly times by watching programs on YouTube or TV n youtube or TV programs. It means family members' influence is decreased, while other medias' influence is increased. For this reason, children are likely pretend like a comedian or MC who appeared on TV program rather than their family members. (윗 문단에 비슷한 문장 구조가 있으니까 웬만하면 대체해주세요~) Hence, children nowadays are mostly affected from the mass medias.
To conclude, two different arguments were persuasive. Nevertheless, I strongly believe that various medias have became the greatest influence factor in children's development now as children have been losing opportunities an opportunity to spend with their parents more and more unlike the past.
총평: (5/7/6/6) 6.0
의식하셨을지는 모르겠지만 질적인 분량이 부족한 편입니다. 파란 문장들은 사실상 없는셈으로 치면 남는 내용이 그리 많지는 않죠. 어차피 7점 이상을 받으시려면 모범답안은 보셔야 하니까, 이 논제의 모범답안을 한번 참고해서 어떠한 내용으로 전개가 되었는지를 꼭 확인해보세요! 단, 아직 거기에 사용된 표현들, 문장 구조까지 분석하지는 마세요~지금은 정확도 확보가 더 중요합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)