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Nowadays,
young students are required not only to bear hard pressure from their schools. Moreover, they are pushed to get jobs even when they are young. In my point of view, the disadvantages of this trend outweigh the advantages remarkably in terms of young
generations health and their accomplishment of main role, studying.
To
begin with, hard pressure on students might help them endure more expanded
burdens, which they are likely to experience in the future. These days, society
requires students to have more endurance on high pressure made by high competition.
To be specific, most companies want to hire individuals who can deal with
struggling competition with their competitors. Moreover, by working from an
early age, they can improve their knowledge and social skills which might apt
to the future career. For example, most service-oriented companies prefer to
employ candidates who have work experience as a part-timer in the same fields
because companies think that they can properly react to customers' needs and that
they know how to deal with the tasks that are frequently occurred in the field. (여기에 대해서는, 표현상 문제는 거의 없지만, 내용상 수정이 되어야 하는데, 이에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
However,
it is clear that these burdens probably harm students by causing their health
problems and making them fail in their studies studying. To start with, high pressures
would affect students' physical and mental health badly in both physical and mental condition.
Unless students find how to deal with this stress properly, such pressures
would cause health problems like immune system damage or mental breakdown of
students. Meanwhile, students could be distracted by their works, leading to a
negative score in their courses. For example, one research illustrate that working
students showed low accomplishment in their studies compared to those who were
able to focus on fully. (이러한 연구 결과가 있었다는 사실 자체로는 근거 전개를 할 수 없습니다. 그저 위에서 했던 말에 '연구' 를 가져다 붙인 것에 지나지 않기 때문이죠. 정확한 근거 전개를 위해서라면 '왜' 저 연구가 성립했는지를 밝혀주셔야 하는데, 이에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.) In short, pressure on students make them weaker and stay
away from what means to be the basic role of students.
As
has been demonstrated, pressure on students has both pros and cons. However,
because of its negative effects on health and studies, I strongly believe it
has a more negative development.
문제가 조금은 이해가 안되더라구요. 문제에서 pressure는 이른 나이부터 일을 하라는 압박으로 한정해서 봐도 되는걸까요? 감사합니다~
말씀해주신대로 논제의 pressure 가 모호하게 표현되기는 했습니다. 이 경우 지금 작성해주신 것과 같이 '이른 나이부터의 압박' 으로 해석하셔도 되고, 그냥 조금 더 일반적인 의미로써의 '압박' 이라고 얘기해주셔도 됩니다 :)
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