According to the more and more emphasis on community, some people argue that the best way of it (여기의 경우 앞의 community 때문에, 커뮤니티의 가장 좋은 방법은~으로 해석됩니다. 즉 이상하지는 것이죠. 패러프레이징 안 하셔도 되니까 그냥 more emphasis on being good members of society 등으로 가주세요~) is that parents teach their children. Meanwhile, others assert that it should be carried out in schools because there it is the optimum places. Both views will be discussed but I think the latter one is more persuasive.
On the one hand, children should learn the way of to be good society member from their parents. First of all, education during a young age is very important it is one of the most important education since when they are young children. Of course, all of society consist of individuals, but there is no doubt that it is formed of group from each person. Furthermore, it also make a nations. It means that individuals are not only a person but also members of society. Hence, to understand and realize this notion, it is required to be learnt before children go to school requires to learn from not schoolchildren but little young. Additionally, young children also gain experience in some small community groups, especially when they play with others. Thus, before they mislead the concept and necessity, parents need to educate it for their children.
On the other hand, the suitable place about how to be members of society correctly is schools. This is mainly because, there are diverse kinds of people who are able to meet with them like different genders, jobs, orientations and so on. It allows to give perfect opportunity to children that socialize with others. In addition, they can learn what they should cultivate factors for living in community and how they need to treat others by their own experiences. Secondly, schools provide it though many means to attract childrens' attention such as videos, games and events. Young people are able to learn these elements more naturally and in a fun way funny.
In conclusion, although parents can be a good teacher to children in terms of how they can be good members of community the method of parents have advantage that children can learn how to be good members of community from an early age, I think that it is the more essential to variety experience and learn naturally and funny. (school 이라는 핵심이 빠져있습니다. 그게 제일 중요해요.)
총평: (6/5/7/5) 6.0
이번 글은 주로 표현상 문제가 대부분이라고 보시면 될 것 같습니다. 위에 거의 다 수정해드렸으니 참고해주시고 최대한 간결하게 접근해주세요! 수고하셨습니다 :)