Part 2]
The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? |
Many statistics prove that the social-economic position of women has changed positively in a short period compared to that of other cases, but some people have been concerned about the side effects of this change, pointing out juvenile delinquency. However, it is not oriented from the social-economic change of women itself. Viewing juvenile delinquency as the result of the increasing number of working married women is a misattribution. The main problem is not the women’s position change, it is the social perspectives that impose responsibility on women and ignore men’s role in the nurturing process. By shifting all responsibilities on women only, some people suppress women’s social-economic activities. However, recent studies demonstrate the importance of the father’s role and the bond between father and children, especially on emotional satisfaction. Another main reason for newly arose phenomena is the absence of the social supporting system that sustain women’s social participation. Although the position of women in society has changed rapidly, the low development speed of social systems couldn't (줄임말은 풀어써주셔야합니다.) meet the needs. For example, if the government provides various supports such as afterschool classes for the children, the juvenile crime rate will decrease (문법만 고치면 이렇게 되는데, 그걸 떠나서, '왜' 방과후학교를 도입하면 ~~가 떨어질 것인지에 대해 논술할 수 있어야합니다. 이러한 근거 부여가 6.5와 7점 이상을 구분하는 중요 기준 중 하나이고요.) In conclusion, it is hard to say that juvenile delinquency arises from the changed position of women in society. it is just an inevitable issue in the procedure of social change, so it is unreasonable to blame only working women. 총평: (6/7/7/7) 7.0 비록 근거 전개상 살짝 아쉬움은 있어도 task 2만 놓고보면 어찌저찌 7점에 맞춰질 수도 있을 겁니다. 그러나 task 1에서 까이는 걸 생각했을 때 여기서 조금 더 벌어가면 좋고요. 항상 내가 어떤 문장을 쓰든, '왜', '어떻게' 라는 독자들의 궁금증이 최대한 구체적으로 해결될 수 있도록 신경써주세요~수고하셨습니다 :) |